Want to teach your boys to be feminists? Here are seven ways our family is raising feminist sons.

When I was pregnant, I imagined what life might be like if I had a little girl. I envisioned teaching her to stand up for herself, buying her dresses with science symbols, letting her get dirty, and being an example of a strong woman for her. I wasn’t going to stereotype her or allow anyone else to, thank you very much. In short, I considered how to teach her to be a feminist.

But as it turned out, I have two sons. Or at least assigned male at birth.

At first, I thought I had to reconsider my whole approach. Most of the things I imagined sharing with my theoretical daughter – my love of the outdoors, science, and geeky things – are typically coded male.

But I realized that the same principles applied to raising a feminist, no matter what gender my children are. While the world may try to reinforce my sons’ male privilege, it’s my husband’s and my responsibility as their parents to do better. The girls and women in their future lives need them to be feminists. Plus, boys need feminism too – the patriarchy hurts everyone.

Here are a few of the ways we’re trying to raise feminist sons:

Providing toys that are both “girls” and “boys” toys, as well as those that are non-gendered

The toy aisles at major retailers are hopelessly gendered. Even when retailers take down the Boy/Girl signs, it’s still pretty obvious which toys are meant for which gender. Just the fact that action figures – which are clearly dolls – live in a different place than Barbie speaks volumes.

Thankfully, our household has mostly managed to avoid this issue (so far). We buy from local toy stores that have less segregated arrangements, as well as ethical toy retailers online.

We’ve also made an effort to buy toys that are coded feminine, including a dollhouse, toy kitchen, and baby doll. Both kids are always using the toy kitchen, cooking up meals like their dad. We also make an effort to not identify their toys as specifically male or female. Even though my older son (nicknamed Sprout) loves trains, that doesn’t mean they’re a “boy thing.” They’re just a “Sprout thing.”

Reading and watching media with non-stereotypical male and female characters

Boys dominate children’s media. Female characters who aren’t stereotyped are few and far between in TV and books.

To counteract that, we purposefully look for picture books with interesting, engaging female main characters. Our kids don’t watch much TV, but Peg + Cat and Puffin Rock have good female characters. I’ve also heard great things about Doc McStuffins. The blog Sacraparental has a list of 13 children’s shows with non-stereotyped female characters.

Respecting and not putting down “girly” things

When I was a young adult, I purposely rejected “girly” things. (My princess prom dress aside.) I saw many things that are coded female, such as fashion, as shallow and inconsequential. As I learned later on, this was a pretty sexist attitude!

Now, I try to treat both traditionally male and female interests with respect, especially around my kids. I never want them to look down on someone because they enjoy fashion, interior design, or makeup.

Teaching them not to suppress emotions, but respond to them appropriately

Childhood is full of big emotions. When your world is relatively small, everything is a really big deal. I never want to imply to my kids that crying is shameful. (Making fun of people who cry easily was another sexist thing I did – until I became a mom and started crying at beer commercials.) At the same time, screaming at someone when you’re upset isn’t respectful or kind.

We’re trying to balance respecting Sprout’s emotions while also teaching him how to express them appropriately. A lot of the positive parenting advice is great for this.

Rejecting early sexualization

There’s a lot of commentary and criticism around our society’s sexualization of young girls. But there’s a shocking amount of sexualization of young boys too – as the pursuer, not the pursued. Comments like “Watch out, little girls!” or shirts that say “Hola Ladies” imply that even the youngest boys are destined to chase after girls. But these attitudes contribute to the “boys will be boys” perspective that waves off sexual assault as just something that happens. It also tells boys that the only relationship they can have with girls is romantic. That excludes any possibility that they might be gay or even want to have a non-sexual relationship with girls. We act really hard to avoid those stereotypes and push back against anyone who might perpetuate them around our sons.

Demonstrating how our family personally breaks traditional gender roles

Having my husband stay home is one of the best decisions our family has ever made. Sticking with his previous work schedule (nights and weekends), would have wrecked havoc on our family life. He gets to use his skills at home – cooking, patience with small people, flexibility – while I get to use mine at my job. Our kids have a creative, funny, amazingly loving caretaker who is also willing to let them step back and do their own thing. In the long term, our kids will see that their dad and I value caretaking work. While society undervalues caretaking, our kids will know that it is worthwhile, whether they or their partners (or neither) choose to stay at home.

Teaching them about consent

So often, we want to tell little kids to “keep your hands to yourself!” You really just want them to stop pinching their little brother or randomly kissing people.

But understanding why they need to ask for consent before hugging someone is essential for their future as teenagers and adults. Rape culture says boys and men have the right to women’s bodies. To counteract that, we teach them to stopping when someone says (or otherwise communicates) no, as well as asking before touching someone in the first place. We get loads of practice explaining the importance of non-verbal communication to my older son, as he’s constantly in his little brother’s face: “Look, he’s backing away from you! He doesn’t want to be touched.”

We also emphasize that consent can be situational. Just because someone has given consent before, doesn’t mean that they will again. Most of the time, I’m fine with my kids playing with my hair. But if I have a headache, I don’t want to be touched on the head. Even if Sprout wants to play with my hair, I have to right to say, “Not today.” Everyday Feminism has a very good guide on talking to kids about consent.

For some other tips, Happy You, Happy Family has a similar post on teaching boys feminism with a slightly different point of view.

While I’ll never have a child assigned female at birth, I hope that I’m raising two feminists. Because we need more feminists, no matter their gender.

For more on learning on how I’m learning more about social justice and trying to teach my kids, check out the posts Raising a Peacemaker. If you want to get five days of concrete, real-world activities that help teach kids kindness and think about social justice, be sure to subscribe to our Family Kindness Challenge!