I try to read a scientific paper at work, but every few sentences, I’m drifting. My mind keeps jumping around, from checking my email to wondering if anyone liked my latest Facebook post to the latest political news. My body isn’t moving, but my mind feels like it’s running laps. Reading about physics is not happening. I turn off my computer screen, walk down the stairs of my building and cross the street into a public garden.

Once I get there, I walk slowly. I look intently at what’s around me, from the purple flowers to the tree branches arching over the path. Listening, I hear birds chattering, kids talking about their school assignment, the nearby car traffic. I feel the breeze on my face and the summer sun on my skin. My mind makes space for the sensory input and squeezes out the unending monologue.

Going back to my office, I start reading again, calmer and more able to focus.

While I use this technique to help myself, I’ve also found it’s effective for helping my almost five-year-old calm down. In fact, it’s one of the techniques that I’ve found work pretty well for both of us in developing emotional resilience:

Look-listen-feel

This is the technique I used on my break from the office. It’s simply noticing your sensory input as fully as possible, letting all your other thoughts go.

It’s similar to regular meditation, except that you’re focusing on your senses instead of nothing at all. Personally, I find the lack of input in regular meditation boring. I’d rather just take a nap. Look-listen-feel provides enough interest to be effective. I find it works best in natural areas, but you can do it anywhere. Even walking through the subway station, I feel better about people as a whole if I take time to take a look at my fellow passengers.

Using this tactic with little kids is a little different. It’s hard for them to mentally focus on the sensory input, especially if they’re upset. Instead of having him to do it on his own, I ask my son to describe what he’s seeing, hearing and feeling. Picking out specific details helps center him.

If I’m using this to help him calm down, I only do it until after I’ve empathized with him first. It’s especially useful for the situations when he gets upset, calms down, and then get upset about the same thing all over again a few minutes later. This helps break the cycle.

Remember there’s always tomorrow

This sounds obvious, but when you’re upset it’s so hard to remember much outside the present.

For my son, it’s really hard for him to stop playing with something he wants to play with or leave a place he wants to be. Especially if he has the impression that I’m “interrupting” him – even if he started whatever he’s doing when he was supposed to doing something else. For me, I get anxious about my never-ending to-do list. I obsess over what I didn’t do that day instead of celebrating what I did.

In both cases, reminding each other that there’s more time in the future is reassuring. The nice thing about “tomorrow” is that it’s not that far away. Even for a preschooler, it’s easy to imagine. Similarly, it helps me to think “It will get done.” While that’s too abstract for a kid, it’s reassuring to remember that I will eventually get to the stuff I need to do.

This is one tactic where modeling it yourself makes a huge difference. Having someone tell you “You can do it tomorrow” is annoying; having the phrase be part of your internal vocabulary is empowering.

Get a hug

When I’m stressed or anxious, I often don’t want to be touched. But if I think for a bit, I realize a hug from my husband will do me a world of good.

Similarly, my son will just stay away if he’s upset with me. But after a while, he approaches with open arms. Letting down your guard and just asking for a hug can be very stabilizing to your mood and mental state.

Thinking of past times that were good

Anxious feelings can often feel like they’re going to go on forever. When my younger son was a baby, his crying would give me mini-panic attacks. My heart would race, my breathing would speed up, and I even got a little shaky. One thing that helped slow the onslaught of anxious feelings was thinking of good times with him earlier in the day. Recalling just a smile or laugh would smooth out some of my edginess.

The same goes for my son. If he’s upset about something that’s going wrong right now, it helps to remind him of what went right earlier.

Having a go-to list of calming activities

Everyone’s methods of calming themselves or reducing anxiety are going to look different. We bought the Time-In Toolkit for my son from Generation Mindful. It includes a poster that has a list of ways to calm down, such as hugging a stuffed animal, reading a book, and drinking a glass of water. We’re going to add some personalized ones for him, like listening to music and sitting on the sit-and-spin. I have my own list – this article is partly based on it!

Don’t be afraid to ask for help

I’m a huge proponent of asking for help when needed. We tell our kids that they need to try to solve a problem on their own, but that we’re always available for help. (Much of the time, our “help” involves helping them solve the problem themselves.)

Despite that stance, I’m a huge hypocrite about it. I hate doing it and delay it as much as I can. I finally got over that a bit and recently had an appointment with a therapist, who was incredibly helpful.

If you need help, call or email the National Alliance on Mental Illness helpline: 800-950-NAMI or info@nami.org.

I’ve been trying to draw on these ideas to reduce my own anxiety and build my kids’ ability to handle stressful situations. Hopefully, some of these tactics can help you and your kids build your emotional strength together as a family!

For more on families and emotional health, read Why You Should Share Your Struggles with Your Kids. 

Want to participate in our Family Kindness Challenge? Sign up for our newsletter and get five days of activities to do with your kids that help teach kindness, tolerance, and empathy.

Email address: