“An 12, huh,” I muttered to myself, looking at my computer screen. I had just taken the “Are You a Sensation Seeker?” self-assessment on the Highly Sensitive Child website. I finally had a word to put to something I’ve known for a long time about myself. And more importantly, I also had a word for something I realized much more recently about my older son.

The transition to kindergarten has been rough for us. There’s been less self-control (on both our parts), more yelling (also on both our parts), and bedtimes stretching out far longer than they have in a long time. Most frustratingly, I would often ask him not to do something – like screaming when I had a headache – and he’d look me in the eye and do it again.

Everywhere I turned, there was parenting advice, but none of it seemed to fit. Anything I did to discourage the behavior seemed to provoke the opposite reaction, just revving him up more to the point of meltdown.

Mostly the advice inspired an avalanche of guilt-laden questions. Was he suffering from anxiety and we forced him to go to all of these “fun” weekend things over the years? Does he have sensory processing problems and school is just too much? Am I truly not giving them enough attention? Should work from home almost all of the time, despite how hard that is for me to balance? Am I spoiling him and that’s why he’s like this at home and not at school?

But one day, I realized that he and I were more alike than I realized – and that was the key. During a new, fun activity, the thought struck to me that we both crave stimulating activities. Without them, we get antsy, cranky, and dare I say it, kind of mean in a petty way. It’s toxic boredom.

That desire for the exciting is why I feel trapped when I never leave the house – I need new environments. I love to travel, go to new restaurants, read new books, watch new movies, and switch up what I do at work. I don’t like going back to the same places over and over. In fact, my first reaction to doing the same thing over and over again is resentment, unless I choose to respond with appreciation and gratitude. I’m almost as bad about going to bed as he is because there’s so many other things I could be doing instead of sleeping. Most of all I love learning – because it’s new knowledge and information.

Many of the things I love aren’t risky, but they feel that way. The things that feel dangerous but are actually safe, like rock-climbing, are my favorites. If I hadn’t been a huge rule follower and early reader with a love of learning instilled by my parent, I likely would have been a much more challenging kid.

The day my older son was born, he looked around at everything with huge eyes, taking it all in. As a baby, he hated the carrier because he wanted to see everything. He stands on the edge of concerts and doesn’t dance because he’s giving his full attention to the music. He hates going to bed because, as he rightly complains, “It’s boring.” He loves school because learning is exciting to him. It’s astonishing how close the apple falls to the tree.

It turned out that all of the things we did on weekends because I wanted to – museums, hikes, camping – were perfect for him, even when they didn’t go “perfectly.” By meeting my own needs, we were meeting his too.

That realization helped me understand that in the moments he’s trying to get a reaction from me, he’s doing so because it’s exciting and yet safe. But he’s creating stimulation for himself in ways that make no one happy in the long run.

Instead of trying to force calm upon him, I’ve started going in the opposite direction. My first reaction is doing surprising, exciting things. Piggyback rides, obstacle courses, dance parties, jumping, or even just having him run up and down the stairs. Then we can go to the calm discussion phase. Being silly/fun provides that hit of excitement that’s enough for him to recenter himself and make better, kinder decisions.

Now, the things may not motivate him or be the right reactions forever. As he grows, these tendencies will shift and transform. But I hope that I can teach him to channel this energy and intensity is a way that’s healthy and respectful towards everyone.

Understanding our kids’ needs and helping them learn how to fulfill them without us is one of our most important roles as parents. But sometimes, it’s not just limited to what they need. Often, what we learn about our kids is something we needed to learn about ourselves, too.

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