“It doesn’t really matter whose fault it actually is, we need to clean it up together,” I said to my kids, talking about some mess or another. I heard those words come out of my mouth as if I actually believed them. But I did really want to believe them.

I am a blame monster. If there’s blame to put on someone – even myself – I am on the case. I used to think that if you could blame someone for a problem, they would learn their lesson and not do it again.

Problem solved, right? Uh, no.

All of this logic started to unravel when I watched a great animated video about blame by sociologist Brene Brown. In the video, she recalls a story where how one morning, she dropped a cup of coffee on the floor. The cup broke and the coffee stained her white pants. She immediately jumped to blaming her husband – who was nowhere near her at the time. I guiltily recognized myself in that scenario. How many times have I looked around for someone – anyone – to blame for some random accident?

Later on, she explains how blame is really just about getting out our hurt, not about taking responsibility. It’s about assuaging fear more than anything else. Taking real responsibility and potentially working together with the person (or yourself) so they have the skills not to make the same mistake requires more thought and patience than quick, instinctual finger-pointing. Even if you’re blaming yourself, you’re teaching yourself through shame. That doesn’t lead to long-term change. In fact, it usually backfires and makes the problem worse.

While that video started to open my eyes, I didn’t truly get the point until my kids started blaming other people for their actions. I saw my own behavior reflected all too vividly. (Isn’t it funny how our own behavior is most obvious when we see it in our kids?) I told them, “You need to take responsibility and learn from your mistakes.” But I needed to model it too – and have told them that I’m in the process of working on it.

The first step was acknowledging that bad things can just happen without a source. Not everything has a larger cause behind it. Often, there simply is no person to blame – the problem just is. Tragedies, both large and small, often fall into this category. Bad shit just happens sometimes.

Sometimes a problem is too small to bother finding out who caused it. Or even if it was one person’s fault, it’s still good to work together to fix it. The mess of wooden train tracks on the floor of the basement the other day was a perfect example. While my kids wanted to deflect blame elsewhere, I pointed out that it was a good opportunity for us to work together as a family. Because that’s what we do as a family – work together.

Then there are times someone has to take responsibility. Those are the times I desperately want to wag my finger and use my “bad teacher” tone of voice. But fear just breeds shame and shame just leads to dysfunctional responses in the long-term. It may “fix” the problem in the moment, but it doesn’t lead to long-term change. Instead, real change comes from connection. It comes holding our children’s hands as they learn the necessary skills that leads to growth, whether those skills are pouring the milk without spilling it or getting consent before tackling their brother. It comes from lots of deep breaths on both sides. It comes from building and rebuilding mutual trust. If I don’t have the maturity to do this, how can I expect my kids to?

Not blaming people is definitely an ongoing project. Far too many of my sentences start with, “You… “ But like all things in parenting – and life – muddling through is better than being stuck where you are.