I felt a nipping at my jeans and looked down. “Hey, stop that!” I chided our pet rabbit Hoppity. I frowned. “You have plenty of hay, water…do you want attention?” Softening, I sat down criss-cross on my son’s floor. The bunny hopped over and started licking my jeans. I petted him, running my hand over his soft ears and back. He hopped onto my leg and started licking my other one. I smiled, realizing that this is the first time he had hopped into my lap that didn’t involve food.

What was first a moment of annoyance turned into a moment of connection.

Often parents roll their eyes when people say their pets are like children, but I was able to respond in the way I did because of my approach to parenting. As the saying goes, “Behavior is communication.”

Instead of assuming my kids are trying to annoy me or be “naughty,” I try to look for the root cause. Are they hungry or tired? Do they feel ignored or like their needs aren’t being taken seriously? Are they trying to assert control because they feel like they don’t have any? Are their big feelings overwhelming them because of something they feel deeply about? Is it an exciting season (like the holidays) and their excitement is coming out in a vast intensity of emotions – good and bad? Do they need outside or active play that they haven’t gotten today?

Sometimes the cause is obvious – like “oh shit, we forgot snack” or “they got to bed so late last night” – and sometimes it’s not. Sometimes I never figure it out. But it’s at least worth trying to.

Partly because we can help solve the root problem instead of getting mad at the symptoms. We understand this intuitively when kids are babies. If they’re crying, they may be hungry, tired, needing a diaper change or needing to be rocked. We don’t assume babies are trying to manipulate us. If they’re crying to “get attention,” it’s because they need attention. So often, we need to give that grace to our bigger kids too.

In addition, by taking care of their needs as best as we can when they’re babies, we show them that we can be trusted. That there is someone there who loves them and will meet their basic needs. Building these connections is important for older kids too. They still need reassurance we are there and that we will take care of them.

As kids get older, it’s our job as parents to help teach kids to meet their own needs. By helping them identify the root causes and see how they manifest in themselves, they can grow into that independence. In addition to meeting their needs, we can model how we recognize and fulfill those in ourselves. We can point out, “Oh, we’re eating lunch late – I know I’m getting crabby” or “I hate it when our schedule changes unexpectedly – that’s why I like getting a heads-up if possible.” Personally, I need hard exercise to function, preferably outdoors. Because I need it to not be anxious, I tell my kids I go running to keep my brain from freaking out the rest of the day. They don’t always respect that need, but I think they’re starting to get it.

Being a parent is an ongoing dance with your child, where each person is learning about the other’s sense of rhythm, dance steps, strengths and weaknesses. We follow their lead while they follow ours in return.

As my older son said when we first got our rabbit, “You didn’t tell me what I could do.” It was in reference to the fact that I told him what he couldn’t do – be too loud around the bunny, pull on his tail, be rough with him, etc – but I didn’t tell him what he could do. I responded, “Because I didn’t know what you could do.”

We’re all learning together. When any of us have a new member of our family – human or animal – we’re often told what we can’t do, but not what we can. But if we work to meet each other’s basic needs while also striving towards connection and love, we’ll figure it out – together.