I saw a bit of parenting advice a few days ago and wrinkled up my nose, “Thinking, oh that won’t work for us.” Not because it was *bad* advice exactly, but because it was advice I knew didn’t work for us. I had not only tried it, but recommended it myself in the past!

The bit of advice at hand was to linger as you put your kids to bed and ask them questions about their day. Instead a quick kiss and hustling out of the room, this gesture is supposed to show them that you care about their lives and thoughts. I had given similar advice a while back in a post I wrote called “The two important questions I ask my kid at bedtime.” The two questions were “What was your favorite part of the day?” and “What were you proud of today?” My thinking was that ending the day with those questions would leave my kid with a warm, positive feeling about his day and himself.

At first, the routine went well enough. When he was just starting to talk, He would say his favorite thing was the park, regardless of whether he went to the park or not. He seemed befuddled by the “proud of” concept, which is admittedly pretty hard for a toddler. So I’d tell him something I was proud of him for.

But as time went on, I realized this was a terrible bedtime tactic for us. My kid has trouble with bedtime for a variety of reasons. As he got older, he started disliking being asked questions. So putting those together ended up with a grumpy, stressed-out kid when he needed to be relaxed and sleepy. Rather than showing him I cared, it felt to him like I was just making him talk about what I wanted him to, not what he wanted to.

So we abandoned it. I don’t remember a particular day we stopped, just that we did eventually.

Instead, I just go along with listening to whatever he want to talk about – usually Mario Bros or bunnies. I kiss him goodnight, we chat for a few minutes and then I slowly extricate myself from his room.

It just shows that advice is not a universal thing. What works for one kid may not for another, even things that seem innocuous. What works for a kid at one time may not work as they grow older. Or what you thought worked turned out not to, as you learned more about your kid and their needs. Sometimes all you need is a listening ear.

Originally posted on Facebook on January 18, 2022.