“Hey, where are you going?” my friend Randi called after my younger son. My kid was wandering away without telling anyone, as he has a tendency to do.

My head jerked that way, suddenly realizing that she was the only one who had eyes on him. I had been absorbed in conversation with her husband, Drew, one of my oldest friends and someone I hadn’t seen in person in years.

Shame and fear flooded my brain. What if she hadn’t been watching? How far would he have gotten? We were at the National Museum of American History, so it would have been easy for him to just disappear. I should have seen him before she did! Wouldn’t have a good mom noticed that earlier?

This thought nagged at me the rest of the day.

The next day, I was reading a piece on how parenting needs to be done in community. I nodded along in agreement until it hit me – that’s what happened the day before. Parenting in community! It wasn’t a defect on my part. It was my friend being willing to step up and take some of the burden off of me and my husband. I had no reason to feel shame, just appreciation for her help. The fact that I could trust her to be there was so meaningful. And it wasn’t the only time she did it that day – she had explained something beautifully earlier to them. My friend Drew was equally good with my kids, playing the perfect “cool parents’ friend uncle” role, listening to them talk about their deep and undying love of video games (which he also shares).

Part of truly treating parenting as a radical, community act is letting go of some of our own notions of what it means to be a “good parent.” That we need to be able to do it all independently. And that we can trust other people to parent our kids – both while we’re not there and while we are. During COVID, I was finally willing to have my kids stay away from me overnight with my parents. But if I was there in person with them, I still felt like it all fell on me and my husband. But it doesn’t need to be that way.

Now, if a friend steps up and keeps an eye on my kids while I’m chatting or asks them if they’re okay when they fall before I can get it out, I’m going to try my hardest to be okay with it. To accept their love and concern, for both me and my kids. Community requires trust and love and that means both giving and accepting it.