Hearing a car approach behind me, I yell “Car back – stay to the right!” My older son shifts to the right on his bike. He’s close enough to the parked cars so that another car can pass safely, but not so close that he’d get hit if one of the parked car’s doors opened unexpectedly.
Every ride to school, my older son and I have many of these back and forths, mini-exchanges for our mutual safety. We also talk about other things – from what they did at school that day to their latest video game milestones – but these are necessary for the sake of transportation. In our daily commute this fall (paused for now due to the weather), I realized how biking was reinforcing so many of the communication skills for parenting I learned elsewhere. In other situations, they seemed nice but optional. While biking, their necessity appeared much more obvious and urgent.
Be succinct
It can be really hard to hear on a bike – especially when it’s windy or there’s cars going by. So you have to be succinct for people to hear any directions you’re giving them. You simply can’t give long-winded lectures while riding. This also helps if you’re out of breath and can’t get too many words out in the first place – like when you’re pedaling up a giant hill on a cargo bike with a first grader riding on the back. Fortunately, this is also a great communication tactic with kids. Often kids just need a super-brief reminder to refocus themselves. During long-winded lectures, they get bored and stop listening before you get to the point. As the authors of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk (one of the best parenting advice books, hands-down) point out, sometimes even a word is enough.
Give specific information instead of demands
Who likes getting bossed around? Pretty much no one, especially after a full day of school. So whenever I can, I try to give information to my older son instead of demands or requests. I say “Car back” to let him know a car is behind us or “Pothole!” to point out a pothole. Plus, my kids always want to know the reason behind demands. Providing information gives it to them immediately without a bunch of back and forth. Of course, this only works once they know the appropriate response to that information, but once they do, it can become second nature. Information empowers kids and increases their self-determination. It’s also super helpful for kids who are demand-avoidant.
Only say what’s necessary
I have a lot of – so many – opinions about the “right” and “wrong” ways to do things. Except that much of the time there are multiple ways to do things that are just fine, even if it’s not my preferred method. A constant commentary will just discourage kids and make them feel like they never do anything right. As a result, you only want to give information and guidance that’s immediately relevant and important. A steady stream of “do this,” “don’t do that” will mean that either your kid will ignore you after a while or miss the really important stuff. When the “really important stuff” helps keep you from getting hit by a car, that’s especially important. While I would love to provide continuous advice, I try to keep my mouth shut as much as possible. I also try to encourage what’s going well instead.
Take help in addition to giving it
As much as I would love to, I don’t actually have eyes in the back of my head. But I do have two additional sets of eyes and ears accompanying me when I bike my kids into school. Both kids have gotten very adept at telling me “car back!” when I haven’t called it myself. My older son has even gotten good at glancing behind him without swerving. As sometimes they do hear or see things I don’t, their observations help me. Plus, it provides them with practice for doing it on their own when they eventually ride without me.
Biking provides a lot of life lessons, in addition to its benefits for physical and mental health. You never know when you’ll have the chance to practice your communication skills!