“These whales are very good at what they do,” said the naturalist on our whale watch. She was talking about humpback whales’ ability to open their giant, baleen-filled mouths and eat huge amounts of tiny crustaceans and fish. Of course, the crowd oohed and awwwed at such amazing creatures as they gulped up gallons upon gallons of water.

But I’ve said almost that exact same phrase about ants and other insects as well, who are just as amazing in their own way. When my kids say something about how smart an animal is or isn’t, I tend to say something along the lines of, “Well, they’re very good at being an ant” – or an earthworm or a bee or whatever.

So if we can think that about animals, why can’t we think that about people too? Not that the person is very good at being a person, but they’re very good at being *themselves.* But so often, we judge people – namely kids – on how well they match arbitrary standards.

In schools, we assign grades to kids that should show how well a child can do a skill, but are taken as a reflection on the child themselves. Instead, grades should be a tool to measure how well the school is teaching the student.

Out in public, we judge kids – or their parents – on being quiet, calm and not drawing too much attention to themselves. If they’re too loud or emotional or energetic, they’re seen as bad kids or the result of bad parenting. We often don’t think about if there’s a mismatch between our expectations or the environment and their temperament.

When we put kids – or anyone – in boxes that don’t fit them, we do them a tremendous disservice. We make them try to cut out parts of themselves that don’t fit. We downplay and minimize their strengths. Would we judge a whale for not lifting an item 20 times heavier than its body weight? Or an ant for not being able to hold its breath for over an hour? Of course not. So why do we demand every person be like every other person?

It can be hard – really hard – to have a kid who doesn’t always match those arbitrary expectations. It’s also beautiful, especially if you can find ways to keep society from shoving them in those boxes as much as possible. After all, no one truly fits in those boxes – some of us fit less than others. It’s a service to all of us to let go of them.