“If you have to think about what the consequence should be, that’s a punishment,” said the parenting meme. And of course, the unstated assumption is that punishments are wrong, wrong, wrong. They’ll ruin your relationship with your child and you’ll be a *bad* parent.

Now, this one did go on to say in the caption that “safety boundaries” are acceptable with the goal of protecting people or property. In contrast, punishments are meant to scare kids into it happening again. I’ve certainly seen plenty of similar statements without that caveat though. I expressed my frustration over a very similar one on Facebook and heard an outpouring of similar sentiments from fellow parents.

Simply, it’s more complicated than that.

For one, aren’t most natural consequences also punishments then? If you forget your mittens and your hands are cold, hopefully you will remember them because you’re afraid of your hands being cold in the future. If you break a toy because you were too rough with it, you’ll be more careful with your other toys in fear of breaking them. Kids shouldn’t be afraid of their parents, but not all fear is equal or for that matter, bad.

On the flip side, there are logical consequences that aren’t about physical safety but also aren’t punishments, especially for areas of responsibility. If my kids take too long getting ready (when we’ve given them plenty of time) and plan on having screen time before we go somewhere, they’ll have to have a shorter screen time or have it when we get home. We can’t be late to a commitment we’ve made to other people.

Of course, it also leaves out when natural consequences are too big or risky to allow to happen. If my son is swerving too much in the road while biking, having him get hit by a car is obviously not an acceptable natural consequence. Even if there are no cars threatening immediate danger, having him stop riding in the road until I can trust him to be safe is both logical and the responsible thing to do. On a much smaller scale, if a kid keeps chucking their toys in the ocean, it’s not environmentally responsible to just let them drift out to sea. It’s both logical and teaches a suitable lesson to say, “If you throw them in the ocean again, I will take them away for a couple of minutes.” (This is a real scenario I had with my nephew.)

So what can parents do?

First, and this is a lesson I have had great difficulty learning but at least try, don’t assume all advice applies to you (even if it promises it does) or that it makes a lick of sense outside of a specific context. For neurodivergent kids, a lot of advice (or promises of that advice) go out the window. Take what might apply, try it out, and discard it if it isn’t relevant. Never assume the problem is you or your kids. They run differently than much of the world and that’s okay.

Second, build your relationship with your kids. Knowing your kids and what they individually need is the most powerful thing when it comes to teaching and guiding. But know that while connection is wonderful, important, and essential, it is not the one solution to all “behavior problems.” (In quotes because a lot of behavior problems are the perception of the adult, not actually a problem.) You can be deeply connected with your kid and they can still struggle with anger, want to give up immediately at a hard task, be endlessly distractable, seem like they don’t care, and more. Love and respect are the foundation, but warm fuzzies aren’t always enough.

Third, remember challenging behaviors often come from unmet needs. Sometimes it’s physical – being hungry or tired – but just as often, these are mental or emotional need. Adults say kids are “just doing things for attention,” as if adults don’t do that themselves all the time. Of course kids want our attention! Their guardians or caregivers are often the most important adults in their lives. They look to us for wisdom and safety. Now, we may not always be able to meet those needs – and that’s okay. My younger son is such an extrovert that there is no way on God’s green Earth that I could spend enough time with him. Other times, the needs are a need for curiosity or stimulation or control. Sometimes other people can fulfill those needs, sometimes you can fulfill them but not immediately, and sometimes those needs just can’t be met. Even if you can’t fix the problem, remembering it comes from a psychological or physical need can help understand the source and allow us to be empathetic.

Fourth, when teaching kids (especially older kids), focus on problem solving and skill building as much as possible. Natural and logical consequences are a necessary part of problem-solving and skill building. They reinforce lessons and help kids know what happens if you don’t use those skills. However, they don’t actually teach much by themselves. For teaching skills, I love how people who are part of Indigenous groups in Middle and South America usually do it. Over the course of many, many times, they follow this pattern. First, they model a task with a kid as they look on. Then, they do it together. Next, they have the kid do it while giving feedback. Lastly, once they are confident the kid can do it well by themselves, they let them do so without critique. This is basically how we’ve taught our kids to do chores. Rather than bugging them and then shaking our heads when they half-ass it, we set time aside on Sundays and all do chores together. I’ve been cleaning the bathroom with my younger son for years now and for the first time the other week, he cleaned the toilet and sink on his own while I did the bathtub. There’s also modeling and teaching emotional regulation skills, which is a whole big subject in and of itself!

For problem solving, it’s really guiding kids to help them problem solve and trusting them they can do so. Even if you have a better solution, allowing the kid to try theirs builds their problem solving skills and confidence. Ross Greene’s books lay out how to do this really well. Sometimes it may take many, many times for them to be able to demonstrate those skills. Recently, our kids decided to buy the recent video game Super Mario Wonder together with their allowance. With limited interference from us, they decided to share it by playing the game all the way through once in co-op mode and switching off which day each of them have the game afterwards. But this comes after years of bickering about video games.

Fifth, in our family, we tend to think of things in terms of responsibilities rather than consequences. Consequences are short-term and usually end up taking something away for a specific action. With responsibility, it’s more about the kid earning our trust and showing they can handle a privilege. We try to give our kids as much independence as we can for their age. My older son knew it was a big deal when we started letting him walk home from the park by himself.

Lastly, with all of those things as a foundation, then consequences come into play. For various reasons, we end up using logical consequences rarely, but still have them if necessary. We used them more when the kids were younger, especially if they were using a toy in a way that was going to hurt someone. These days, they mainly kick in when something is distracting a kid from a task instead of helping them do it. This morning, my older son really wanted to read Calvin and Hobbes. But his reading was preventing him from getting to school on time. So after a point, we removed the book so that he could focus on getting ready.

Despite all of these tools, there are still plenty of hard days. There will be in your family too. There are no truly simple answers. Being a parent is probably the most beautiful, intense and complex relationship you will ever have.