“Are there any gifts you’d like me to wrap?” my father-in-law asked me. The man is a wrapping machine. So of course, I took him up on his kind offer. In addition to lessening my load in that moment, I reflected on how lucky I am that this was my husband’s model. While my father-in-law has his flaws, he did teach my husband that wrapping and cleaning are for everyone. Along the same lines, I already had very little Christmas gift wrapping to do because my husband had done most of it already.
My husband is not perfect and neither is our marriage. But he works very hard to be a good husband to me and be a good example to our two sons. I also came to expect that because my dad was a good model as well. Here’s what we’ve learned so far about teaching healthy masculinity and not passing on toxic nonsense.
Demonstrate equal or proportional household responsibilities between genders
My husband was a stay-at-home dad from the time my older son was born until he turned 10. When my older son was in pre-school, the teachers asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up. He said he wanted to be a drummer, but also wanted to be a dad and couldn’t do both. He knew you could be a mom and hold a full-time job, but assumed the same did not apply to dads. We assured him that you could be a dad and have a paid job.
While this story is cute because of how it goes against societal stereotypes, we all set what our kids consider normal. Even if their dad is not a full-time caregiver, if kids in a household with man and a woman see the man in the household doing caregiver duties, cooking, and cleaning, it makes it much more likely that they’ll expect that in future relationships.
Emphasize interdependence and that everyone contributes
In our household, we emphasize that we help out because it’s unfair for any one person to take on most of the household labor. We all depend on each other. We both make valuable contributions and have important responsibilities. I think sometimes men don’t participate in the running of the household because they’re told that as boys that it’s “not their responsibility” and so never learn those valuable skills.
Do chores together
Doing chores is hard, especially if you have executive function difficulties. Many men will use “I don’t know how to do that” or “I can’t do that” as an excuse, creating weaponized incompetence and sticking the feminine person in the household with it. Or alternatively, they’ll ignore the task until the feminine person reminds them – often multiple times.
Doing chores together can help solve some of this problem. (Although the man has to want to solve it!) Doing tasks together to make them easier is called “body doubling.” It’s a common recommendation for people with ADHD. Even if you don’t have ADHD, just doing chores with other people can make it easier to get it done. For example, you can chat while you do it. Also, at least for me, just knowing other people are working makes me happier. It just feels more fair.
In addition, doing chores as a family provides parents with time and space to teach the kids how to do it. Often, parents show a kid once and then expect them do it by themselves. It’s then super frustrating if they half-ass it or forget the process. We follow a model that’s more common in Indigeneous communities where we do it together until the kid can do it independently without feedback. Knowing how to do it well can prevent that weaponized incompetence later on.
Make invisible labor visible
A few years ago, a male psychologist wrote an article about organizing his four-year-old daughter’s birthday party. He had never done it and his wife handed the responsibility over to him. Of course, his first reaction was, “How hard can it be?” and his eventual realization was “really freaking hard.” The fact that the dad in the family had no idea how much work went into organizing such an event is absurd and obscene.
In our house, we try to describe to the kids what we’re doing (and get their input) so that invisible labor is more clearly understood. My husband and I also point out to each other what we’ve done. This could become a “look what I did and you didn’t” sort of thing, but instead it’s “hey look at what I did!” and “That’s awesome – thanks!” in response. Our house doesn’t magically get clean by the cleaning fairy and our kids know that.
My friend and activist Ashia Ray had another good idea that they mentioned in the Luminary Braintrust, a community for caretakers that they manage. They assigned their younger son the chore of “checking on people and ensuring they have what they need.” Emotional labor is so often invisible but can be a very heavy burden. As that kid is an extrovert, it’s a great task for him to be able to go around talking to members of his family in a productive way.
Teach consent from an early age
We have been talking about consent as an idea since our children were super little. Our kids struggle a bit with impulse control and reading social cues, so we have emphasized over and over the importance of enthusiastic consent about being touched. While obviously whether someone says you can splash them or not in the pool isn’t the same as sexual consent, it sets the foundation for those important conversations later on. Once the time to discuss those issues comes around, try to discuss them frankly and honestly.
Analyze media together
My kids know that anything – literally anything – can be a starter for a “deep” conversations about “big issues.” But one of the most effective and organic tools for starting those conversations is watching and discussing media together.
Before bedtime, we watch an episode of a TV show a night as a family. This past fall, we watched all of “Avatar: The Last Airbender.” Besides being one of – if not the best – animated show of all time, it has so many deep themes that it handles in such an age-appropriate way. One of the big ones is toxic masculinity. One of the main characters is Prince Zuko, the son of the Fire Lord. His father exiled him and he longs to get his honor back. On his quest to do so, his Uncle Iroh accompanies him. Fire Lord Ozai and Uncle Iroh are two ends of the spectrum of toxic and healthy masculinity. Ozai is cruel, violent, impatient, and power-hungry. Iroh is loving, compassionate, patient, service-oriented, and has great strength of character. Much of Zuko’s story is about being torn between those two ends and coming to terms with what they mean in his life. Being able to watch and discuss the show was powerful for us.
Even if your kids’ taste in media isn’t as thematically rich, there are still plenty of opportunities to talk about it. One of my friends made sure to talk to his son about how a lot of the anime he likes hypersexualizes female characters.
Prepare them for what they may see online
In an ideal world, our kids would never get exposed to the tremendous amount of awful content online. Unfortunately, this is far from the ideal world. Fortunately, there are things we can do to prepare them when (not if) they come across it. There’s a tactic in the world of fighting misinformation called vaccinating against misinformation. It’s basically teaching people the real information as well how to identify mis- and disinformation. As a parent, you hopefully are teaching your kids how people of any gender can be strong, beautiful, funny, smart, etc. and that everyone deserves full respect as humans. That covers the first part. For the second part, we can tell them about the types of tactics sexist influencers and alt-right activists use to recruit young men. We’ve told our kids that these folks specifically target gamers. We’ve warned that gaming streamers may say demeaning things about women in the middle of talking about otherwise innocuous topics, like the Mario Bros. games. My older son has a severe aversion to being “sold” or trying to be convinced of anything, so knowing people are trying to do that puts him on high alert.
I also roll my eyes and explain why when I see men generally behaving poorly online. I explained “mansplaining” to them with the example of a man citing to a woman her own paper. While there are more subtle examples, using obvious ones at first can help them identify when it’s happening.
Show the end result of toxic masculinity
A lot of boys and men get pulled into toxic masculinity, including the alt-right, in the “boiling frog” style indoctrination – it gets slightly worse and worse until it’s too late. Starting out, most boys don’t have the goal to become people who hate, disrespect, and vilify women. By showing the type of person these influencers are trying to mold boys into, they can see how awful it is before they ever start down that path. We unfortunately have had an example to point to in real life. A friend of ours has an ex-boyfriend who is also the father of her child. He was radicalized online and has been a horrible father as a result. When we told our kids about what he’s done, they were justifiably horrified.
Portray LGBTQ relationships and orientations as ordinary and accepted
Much of toxic masculinity relies on compulsory heterosexuality – the requirement of being heterosexual. Women and people “like women” are automatically seen as lesser and for heterosexual men to dominate. Presenting LGBTQ relationships as totally ordinary and accepted pushes back against that idea. In our family, we’ve been talking to our kids for ages about different aspects of gender and sexuality. So when two girls went on a date and kissed in the Lumberjanes graphic novels, I wasn’t surprised but was pleased that my younger son didn’t bat an eye. (It’s such a great series!)
What are some ways you are trying to teach your boys alternatives to toxic masculinity?
While I started writing this blog post several weeks ago (inspired by a conversation with journalist Eric Garcia for his upcoming book), it seems particularly relevant today with the full allegations against author Neil Gaiman coming out (TW: sexual assault / rape, other sexual violence). He was one of my favorite authors, so much so that I waited in line for a couple hours to have him sign a couple of books at the National Book Festival back in 2008. Now, I’m disgusted by him and his horrifying actions. If there is something you would like to do, I would encourage donating to RAINN, which runs the National Sexual Assault Hotline.