parenting

Being honest about being a good enough parent

/ Shannon Brescher Shea / Leave a comment
Me (a white woman with brown hair and glasses in a multicolored sweater) balancing a stuffed Gelatinous Cube on my head

Before kids are old enough to really believe in God (or choose to not believe in God), they believe in their parents. Having taken care of them since they were babies, small children look up to their parents as all-knowing, all-powerful beings that can fix anything. And then, one day, they stop.

My kids are both around the ages – 8 and 10 – where they start losing serious faith in parents as masters of the universe. So when I saw This American Life was doing an episode on that subject called Parents Are People, I was intrigued.

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Embracing Hard Conversations in Community

/ Shannon Brescher Shea / Leave a comment
A table with a blue tablecloth on it and cards and multi-colored pens all over it

“Remember Ms. Margarett from church? She’s in that picture,” I said to my younger son, pointing at a photo of her and her husband. “She’s had cancer for a long time and she’s at the point where the treatment isn’t doing much and is making her feel worse. So she’s stopping treatment. But that means that she’ll die soon. They’re just trying to make her as comfortable as possible and we’re making cards about peace and love. But like, we can’t say get well soon or anything like that. Because she won’t.”   

“Hm,” he said, contemplating the situation. He started drawing an elephant.

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Finding Rest in the Chaos

/ Shannon Brescher Shea / Leave a comment
A purple violet growing through the sidewalk
Seeing flowers on my daily walk is a big part of my rest.

“Why are you on your phone – again?” my younger son asked with an edge of whine in his voice from the bathtub.

I felt a pang of guilt. I should be paying attention to him – right? My undivided, unquestioned attention.

But wait. I had given him a ton of attention earlier that day. We had played a board gamebefore dinner. I had just played a game of 20 Questions with him focusing on Dungeons and Dragons monsters while he was in the bath. No, I shouldn’t feel guilty. I needed that break.

“Because my brain needs a break. I find being a good listener takes a lot of energy. Reading gives my brain a rest. So I’m just reading on my phone for a little while,” I responded.

He grumbled and started telling me something anyway, but at least I tried.

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How environmental activities can help neurodivergent kids

/ Shannon Brescher Shea / Leave a comment
A children's bicycle with a blue bag on the handlebars and a five-headed stuffed dragon in the bag
My younger son’s bike, complete with a monster companion

Feet pushing confidently on his pedals, riding his bike in loops around the park, I see the stress melt away from my older son. I’ve described it as moving meditation for him. He’s an emotionally intense kid, but other forms of meditation just didn’t meet his needs. They were often too quiet or too still. Biking fulfilled that need to move, his body in sync with his mind and everything else.

I know my kid isn’t the only neurodivergent kid for whom biking helps. (For those not familiar, neurodivergent refers to any person whose brain doesn’t match the “typical” brain. It includes autistic people, people with ADHD, people with depression, anxiety, dyslexia, and more.) In fact, there are many environmentally friendly activities that can help kids (and adults) with some of the challenges that come with being neurodivergent. Even if you and your kids are neurotypical, these activities have many of the same benefits. This is actually what much of my book is about!

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Cute Robot Dogs and Raising Kids Who Ask Questions

/ Shannon Brescher Shea / Leave a comment
A robot dog that has a yellow and black body "standing" on top of a set of uneven stairs with two children and an adult looking through a window on the other side

The dog stretched its legs, sniffed around, and laid down to rest. All totally normal dog things. Except this one was made of metal and settled itself into a charging station. All of the kids watching from outside a window cried “Awww!” They were crying in wonder of not just a dog, but a robot dog! How cool is that, right? Maybe.

Once I pulled the kids away from the window and bought tickets to get in the Boston Museum of Science (where we were), I discovered that the robot dog was part of a larger artificial intelligence (AI) exhibit. I talk a lot about using AI for science in work, so I was intrigued. How was the Museum of Science going to explain AI in a way that was interesting to non-scientists?

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Punishments, Consequences, Alternatives and Putting It All Together

/ Shannon Brescher Shea / Leave a comment
A photo of my husband and older son (who are both white males) walking in an apple orchard on a bright, sunny fall day

“If you have to think about what the consequence should be, that’s a punishment,” said the parenting meme. And of course, the unstated assumption is that punishments are wrong, wrong, wrong. They’ll ruin your relationship with your child and you’ll be a *bad* parent.

Now, this one did go on to say in the caption that “safety boundaries” are acceptable with the goal of protecting people or property. In contrast, punishments are meant to scare kids into it happening again. I’ve certainly seen plenty of similar statements without that caveat though. I expressed my frustration over a very similar one on Facebook and heard an outpouring of similar sentiments from fellow parents.

Simply, it’s more complicated than that.

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Using “Yes and…” as a Parenting Tool

/ Shannon Brescher Shea / Leave a comment
My husband and two kids (all white men) hiking on a path of large rocks with trees on both sides

It’s really easy to say “no” as a parent. No, you can’t have candy at bedtime. No, you can’t play video games for another 20 minutes. No, you need to stop kicking your brother. Not saying “no” can end up with having no boundaries and no limits on your kids. Not good.  

But as a parent, I’ve also discovered the power of saying “Yes, and…” 

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Not Letting Expectations Box In Our Kids

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A humpback whale sticking its face out of the water with seagulls flying around

“These whales are very good at what they do,” said the naturalist on our whale watch. She was talking about humpback whales’ ability to open their giant, baleen-filled mouths and eat huge amounts of tiny crustaceans and fish. Of course, the crowd oohed and awwwed at such amazing creatures as they gulped up gallons upon gallons of water.

But I’ve said almost that exact same phrase about ants and other insects as well, who are just as amazing in their own way. When my kids say something about how smart an animal is or isn’t, I tend to say something along the lines of, “Well, they’re very good at being an ant” – or an earthworm or a bee or whatever.

So if we can think that about animals, why can’t we think that about people too? Not that the person is very good at being a person, but they’re very good at being *themselves.* But so often, we judge people – namely kids – on how well they match arbitrary standards.

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On the little failures in parenting

/ Shannon Brescher Shea / Leave a comment
Photo of a bookshelf at our local library, filled with books, with a stuffed giraffe and a cardboard cutout of Madeline on top

I just realized that once again, I didn’t have my kids participate in the library’s summer reading program.

It’s not because I’m morally against it. Far from it! Sure, external motivation can overwhelm internal motivation if you overdo it. But my kids love reading on its own accord and a few prizes won’t change that. I was a voracious reader in elementary school and still enjoyed the Book-It prize pizzas and buttons. At least back when Pizza Hut still had the fake Tiffany lamps at each table and good pizza.

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