Seeing the Impacts When You Least Expect It

Seeing the Impacts When You Least Expect It; Photo: Boy in a snow jacket and hat shoveling snow on a sidewalk

“I want to help!” my older son declared, in that way he does when he feels like life has dealt him a terribly unfair hand.

“Oh! Sure,” I said, handing him the snow shovel. We were clearing the sidewalk of snow, in one of the few times a year Washington D.C. gets it.

Both his tone of voice and demand to help surprised me. He’s a kid for whom chores are like pulling teeth. So volunteering for a hard job that meant I did less work? Excellent. I did want to give him a heads-up though. “The snow is pretty tough to shovel, as there’s a layer of ice underneath. From when we had the freezing rain last night. So try to get under the ice, if you can.”

As he managed the big shovel awkwardly, I tried to both hold my tongue and figure out what inspired this burst of enthusiasm.

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Finding the Place I’d Been Looking for Far Closer than I Imagined

Finding the Place I'd Been Looking For (photo of a young boy walking on rocks through a stream)

A quiet stream with gurgling water, a spattering of rocks along the bottom. My young child plays nearby, the water just high enough for him to splash in without worrying about him getting hurt. I sit on a rock, my baby nestled in my arms.

I opened my eyes to a prenatal yoga class full of other heavily pregnant women. I struggled to stand up from where I was snuggled into a nest of yoga pillows and blankets.

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Juggling the Standards and Ambitions of Modern Parenting

Juggling the Standards and Ambitions of Modern Parenting (Photo of a kid pulling a rope with another kid holding on to it)

“The house should be so much cleaner!” I think, panicked about my parents arriving any minute. That streak of panic occurs despite the fact that they know perfectly well that they’ve been the only people in our house since last March and that we’re not exactly the tidiest people by a long shot. Expectations are already low.

And yet I think this anyway. The self-judgment weighs hard, even when I push back against it. The hardest part is that I think this way about everything: cleaning, cooking, parenting, activism, writing, even taking care of myself. Perhaps worst of all, I suspect I’m not the only one.

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How Understanding My Brain’s Differences Helped Me Be a Better Parent

How Understanding My Different Wiring Helped Me Be a Better Parent (Photo: Two white boys swinging on swings)

“We can listen to music or I can yell at you to stop. Which would you rather?” I said to my kids, exasperated. They were making a shit-ton of noise and I felt like my head was going to explode. Everything was just so damn loud. The music went on – we settled on Rusted Root – and everything settled down. Or at least settled down as much as my incredibly high-energy children will let it.

But this incident was a culmination of a lot of self-exploration.

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