This is 41 (apparently).

/ Shannon Brescher Shea / Leave a comment
Me (a white woman with brown hair in a black hoodie sweatshirt) falling over laughing while having a white rabbit with brown splotches apparently jumping on me

40 was always the big milestone, the “over the hill” age. It’s the age of big parties and black balloons and ageist jokes. But for me, it was … not much. It was following on yet another COVID spike, in yet another dreary February that seemed to go on for far too long and involve far too many gray skies. It was wondering why I would even bother having a party because I wouldn’t have enough friends to attend. It was desperately contemplating every day if I would ever stop being so damn tired. It was a slight mid-life crisis that felt more like a slog through quicksand. It was being disappointed in myself that I was 40 and this much of a mess.

Now, I realize that a lot of that was burnout turned to depression talking. If there’s one thing that depression does, it lies like a bitch. I started recognizing that burnout and depression the fall before, but really started turning the corner on it just after my birthday.

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Extending a Bit of Empathy to a Fellow Parent

/ Shannon Brescher Shea / Leave a comment
My older son when he was three and my younger son was an infant. (Alt-text: A young white boy in a red sweater, sitting on the floor playing with a toy fire truck)

“What age is she?” I asked the dad standing with a double stroller next to me in the elevator. The top seat had an older toddler in it; the bottom one was empty, but from the conversation between them, it sounded like there was a baby with the mom.

“Three,” he sighed, obviously exhausted.

“Oh, that’s a tough age,” I responded, trying to sound as sympathetic as possible. Three was by far the hardest for us, especially when our older kid was that age and our younger kid was an infant. “It gets easier – and more fun.”

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Cute Robot Dogs and Raising Kids Who Ask Questions

/ Shannon Brescher Shea / Leave a comment
A robot dog that has a yellow and black body "standing" on top of a set of uneven stairs with two children and an adult looking through a window on the other side

The dog stretched its legs, sniffed around, and laid down to rest. All totally normal dog things. Except this one was made of metal and settled itself into a charging station. All of the kids watching from outside a window cried “Awww!” They were crying in wonder of not just a dog, but a robot dog! How cool is that, right? Maybe.

Once I pulled the kids away from the window and bought tickets to get in the Boston Museum of Science (where we were), I discovered that the robot dog was part of a larger artificial intelligence (AI) exhibit. I talk a lot about using AI for science in work, so I was intrigued. How was the Museum of Science going to explain AI in a way that was interesting to non-scientists?

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Being Reflected in History

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A shiny reflective object with a photo of the People's Climate Movement march with people of various races and ages holding signs in front of the U.S. Capital. A woman taking a photo and a child are reflected in the surface.

I stared at my face being reflected back at me from a shining silver surface. Beyond my reflection, there was a photograph laser-etched in black that felt very familiar. Activists of all ages and races yelled and held signs declaring the “People’s Climate Movement” in front of the U.S. Capital.

“I was at this event! Heck, you were at this event!” I exclaimed to my seven year old. We were at an exhibit called “Look Here” at the National Building Museum (shush, it’s much cooler than it sounds). The piece of art combined giant kaleioscopic sculptures with huge metal versions of childhood fortune tellers. Some of the fortune tellers had surfaces printed with photos of historic events in Washington D.C. Other ones featured the 1964 March on Washington and the AIDS quilt.

But to see this one – a photo my kids and I could have been in – was startling. It put us in the company of other people marching on Washington who made history. We were part of that group. We were part of history.

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Why posts about shallow inclusivity make me cringe

/ Shannon Brescher Shea / Leave a comment
A photo of me (a white woman with brown hair and glasses) in a Wonder Woman dress standing in front of a bookshelf with books and a plant on it

I know what it’s like to be the kid sitting alone in the cafeteria. I also know what it’s like to be the kid who befriends a kid sitting alone in the cafeteria.

In eighth grade, I was having a very rough year. At the beginning of the year, I was kicked off the swim team for the simple fact that I wasn’t very good, the one place I had a semblance of a social life. I had befriended a few folks at the beginning of the year, but wasn’t very close to them yet and didn’t have the same lunch as them. Most of the time, I ate lunch in the cafeteria alone and then moved on to the library to read or music room to practice my saxophone. I never got particularly good at the saxophone, but it was a heck of a lot better than sitting around by myself in the cafeteria.

Around that time, an advisor for a club I was in (who was also a guidance counselor) suggested that I befriend a classmate. I knew I was nowhere near popular. I was barely tolerated in class among the “smart popular” kids who were in honors classes but weren’t as weird.

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Battling Climate Grief and Anxiety as a Parent

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A photo of an oak tree with bright red leaves against a bright blue sky

As I tend to tell it, my environmentalism started with grief and anger, at the young age of 10. I visited Homasassa Springs State Park and saw manatees for the first time. Their huge size and gentle nature enchanted me. As I watched them, my parents had to nudge me insistently to get me to leave. The same day, reading the informational signs, I learned that they were terribly endangered. I signed up for the Save the Manatees club that day and told everyone I could get to listen to me about it.

But in reality, my environmentalism started years before that.

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Punishments, Consequences, Alternatives and Putting It All Together

/ Shannon Brescher Shea / Leave a comment
A photo of my husband and older son (who are both white males) walking in an apple orchard on a bright, sunny fall day

“If you have to think about what the consequence should be, that’s a punishment,” said the parenting meme. And of course, the unstated assumption is that punishments are wrong, wrong, wrong. They’ll ruin your relationship with your child and you’ll be a *bad* parent.

Now, this one did go on to say in the caption that “safety boundaries” are acceptable with the goal of protecting people or property. In contrast, punishments are meant to scare kids into it happening again. I’ve certainly seen plenty of similar statements without that caveat though. I expressed my frustration over a very similar one on Facebook and heard an outpouring of similar sentiments from fellow parents.

Simply, it’s more complicated than that.

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Using “Yes and…” as a Parenting Tool

/ Shannon Brescher Shea / Leave a comment
My husband and two kids (all white men) hiking on a path of large rocks with trees on both sides

It’s really easy to say “no” as a parent. No, you can’t have candy at bedtime. No, you can’t play video games for another 20 minutes. No, you need to stop kicking your brother. Not saying “no” can end up with having no boundaries and no limits on your kids. Not good.  

But as a parent, I’ve also discovered the power of saying “Yes, and…” 

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