Punishments, Consequences, Alternatives and Putting It All Together

/ Shannon Brescher Shea / Leave a comment
A photo of my husband and older son (who are both white males) walking in an apple orchard on a bright, sunny fall day

“If you have to think about what the consequence should be, that’s a punishment,” said the parenting meme. And of course, the unstated assumption is that punishments are wrong, wrong, wrong. They’ll ruin your relationship with your child and you’ll be a *bad* parent.

Now, this one did go on to say in the caption that “safety boundaries” are acceptable with the goal of protecting people or property. In contrast, punishments are meant to scare kids into it happening again. I’ve certainly seen plenty of similar statements without that caveat though. I expressed my frustration over a very similar one on Facebook and heard an outpouring of similar sentiments from fellow parents.

Simply, it’s more complicated than that.

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Using “Yes and…” as a Parenting Tool

/ Shannon Brescher Shea / Leave a comment
My husband and two kids (all white men) hiking on a path of large rocks with trees on both sides

It’s really easy to say “no” as a parent. No, you can’t have candy at bedtime. No, you can’t play video games for another 20 minutes. No, you need to stop kicking your brother. Not saying “no” can end up with having no boundaries and no limits on your kids. Not good.  

But as a parent, I’ve also discovered the power of saying “Yes, and…” 

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Not Letting Expectations Box In Our Kids

/ Shannon Brescher Shea / Leave a comment
A humpback whale sticking its face out of the water with seagulls flying around

“These whales are very good at what they do,” said the naturalist on our whale watch. She was talking about humpback whales’ ability to open their giant, baleen-filled mouths and eat huge amounts of tiny crustaceans and fish. Of course, the crowd oohed and awwwed at such amazing creatures as they gulped up gallons upon gallons of water.

But I’ve said almost that exact same phrase about ants and other insects as well, who are just as amazing in their own way. When my kids say something about how smart an animal is or isn’t, I tend to say something along the lines of, “Well, they’re very good at being an ant” – or an earthworm or a bee or whatever.

So if we can think that about animals, why can’t we think that about people too? Not that the person is very good at being a person, but they’re very good at being *themselves.* But so often, we judge people – namely kids – on how well they match arbitrary standards.

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On the little failures in parenting

/ Shannon Brescher Shea / Leave a comment
Photo of a bookshelf at our local library, filled with books, with a stuffed giraffe and a cardboard cutout of Madeline on top

I just realized that once again, I didn’t have my kids participate in the library’s summer reading program.

It’s not because I’m morally against it. Far from it! Sure, external motivation can overwhelm internal motivation if you overdo it. But my kids love reading on its own accord and a few prizes won’t change that. I was a voracious reader in elementary school and still enjoyed the Book-It prize pizzas and buttons. At least back when Pizza Hut still had the fake Tiffany lamps at each table and good pizza.

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Cultivating Kid-Friendly Neighborhoods and Cities

/ Shannon Brescher Shea / Leave a comment
My older son from a couple of years ago in a blue sweatshirt, crossing the monkey bars as part of a larger playground at our local park

Kids fly down my street on their skateboards and bikes to the nearby community center and I smile and shake my head. “I do wish they’d be safer on their bikes,” I mutter to myself, but am glad that they can do so. I think back to my mom talking about how she’d walk around her town as a kid and take the bus to the movies in the next town over.

Sadly, I know my neighborhood is a relative rarity in American society. 

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Looking Closely at What Surrounds Us

/ Shannon Brescher Shea / Leave a comment
A snail partly buried in the sand with a gray and peach shell

Skittering across the mud, a tiny hermit crab lunged at invisible-to-me prey. A few inches away, a crab with its shell covered in algae started digging. Caddisfly tubes made of rocks and shell bits poked up all around.

As I was observing this tiny tableau, I felt something on my foot. Something very much alive, moving, and animal-like.

“Ah, ah, ah!” I yelped, reaching down and trying to get it off. I spotted a long translucent creature and flicked it, only to have it hop up and land elsewhere on my leg. I finally got it off, much to my relief. As it turned out, it was an itty bitty shrimp and the shallow water extending to the horizon was full of them. I ended up with them in my shoes a couple more times that afternoon.

Despite my panic about having shrimp in my shoes, the low tide flats of Breakwater Beach in Cape Cod offered an awesome opportunity to look at nature up-close – really close. It was easy to miss the vast, wriggling diversity of life in the shallow water and sand unless you looked carefully. Once you did start looking, it was everywhere.

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The Anxiety of Screwing Up as a Parent

/ Shannon Brescher Shea / Leave a comment
My kids (two white boys, one in a blue t-shirt and one in a black sweatshirt) walking on a maze printed on a giant carpet-like mat

“They fuck you up, your mum and dad.” As a parent, that line from poet Philip Larkin strikes a lot differently than it used to.

Lived experience doesn’t help much on this front. With a “what are you going to do?” shrug, my mother-in-law informed me that you’ll do your best as a parent but there will still be things that your kids will disagree with your parenting or think are hurtful as an adult. Similarly, I hear people talk about how adults said small things to them – for both good and bad – that the adult probably doesn’t remember, but the person has carried with them their whole lives.

The fact is, doing something to screw up my kids is one of my biggest fears as a parent. Not that I’m perfect – far from it. I know I mess up and genuinely apologize to my kids to make up for it.

What I’m scared of is messing up in some major way and having no idea I did so.

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Building Character Whether We Want to or Not

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Photo of a tiny orange newt on the bark of a fallen log with moss

“I swear, this hike felt a lot easier when I was 15,” I said to my kids, huffing as we hauled up what seemed like the endlessly steep mountain.

I had promised an “easy, fun, not that long” hike. I was right that it wasn’t that long. What I had forgotten was that it was nearly straight up, complete with patches of steep, smooth rock. It had rained the night before, making everything slippery as hell.

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Opportunity, Risk, and Bad Ideas

/ Shannon Brescher Shea / Leave a comment
My younger son (a white boy in a black sweatshirt) standing on a playground merry-go-round as it is spinning, with a row of pine trees behind him

Sometimes your kids take a cautionary tale as an questionable opportunity.

When I was about eight – old enough for my front teeth to be permanent – my mom sent me off to the park for the first time without her. I was with our next door neighbor, who was a few years older than me. He was supposed to be the responsible one.

I was quite fond of hanging upside down from various items of playground equipment, including things that probably shouldn’t have been hung upside down from. Including the bars on the infamous merry-go-round.

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