A Yelp Review from a Newborn

Since moving away from my white-bread hometown, I’ve become a bit of a food snob. I’m not picky about price – I can get excited about a $7 bowl of pho the size of your head – but I do appreciate really good, authentic food. As a result, I’ve read a lot of food reviews, both professional and otherwise.

So when Sprout was only a few months old, Chris and I would joke about what kind of Yelp review he would write about his daily meals:

Name: Sprout
Location: My house
Number of stars: 2

Many people say that the definition of “insanity” is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Well, if so, I must be insane, because I keep returning to this place day after day despite the limited menu and inferior service. At least the food is healthy and the price is right.

The menu is extraordinarily limited – nothing but milk! The same thing, day in and day out. And always breast milk; they never even switch it up with cow or goat. There’s no question that it’s good, but a baby wants something different every once in a while. Fortunately, they do provide a bit of variety in the delivery, alternating between the intimacy of nursing and the efficiency of the bottle.

Speaking of delivery, the service is atrocious! At first, I always request my meal quietly, almost silently. Because they sometimes miss this initial cue, I then have no choice but to raise my voice. Even then, I still have to wait; they never understand the urgency of the situation. The one with the breasts is often ready right away, but I get hardly more than a trickle at first. The tall one takes ages to bring the bottle, but at least it comes out quickly once it’s served.

Then, halfway through and at the end of my meal, the waitstaff insists on manhandling me! They pat me firmly on the back for minutes on end despite my protests otherwise. I don’t know why they put me through such torture – I don’t mind a little (or a lot) of spit-up, so neither should they.

The one major advantage of this establishment is that at least it’s free. It also appears to be quite exclusive, although I can’t blame anyone else for not demanding service. I suppose you get what you pay for, especially when all the proprietors expect is an occasional smile in return.

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2 Responses to A Yelp Review from a Newborn

  1. Pingback: This week in the Slacktiverse, August 24th 2014 | The Slacktiverse

  2. Pingback: Things My Newborn Has Reminded Me Of | We'll Eat You Up – We Love You So

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