Wrapping up my son in a blue hooded towel with three eyes as I pull him out of the bathtub, I exclaim, “Who’s the cutest little monster?” Looking in the mirror, I want to keep him that adorable size forever. Seven hours later at 3 AM, I hear the shriek of the banshee and shudder. Then he’s a monster of a completely different type.

While our children are often the cute Muppet monsters, on their worst days, they can wander into old-fashioned horror movie territory.

Newborns: Vampires

Although they lack teeth, newborns are most certainly vampires. At first glance, they’re charming, charismatic creatures. The casual observer might never guess the damage they do. They sleep during the day and stay awake at night. After they hypnotize their victims, they leave them dazed and exhausted. They drink off their parents’ life force. If you’re breastfeeding, literally of your bodily fluids. They can be absolutely terrifying in the right circumstances.

Toddlers: Godzilla

They may be small, but they are mighty! Like the King of Lizards, toddlers leave utter destruction in their wake. Communicating in grunts and roars, they are frequently misunderstood. If they can’t get their way, there is much smashing and stomping. They’re not necessarily “bad,” just challenging.

Preschoolers: The Creature from the Black Lagoon (Gil-man)

Preschoolers are frequently wet from mysterious. They’re curious, although not about what you wish they would be. They sometimes have trouble adjusting to new circumstances and may lash out if they feel threatened. They’re incredibly difficult to capture, easily squirming out of your grasp.

Elementary School Kids: Leprechauns and other fairies

Elementary school kids are short, cute, and surprisingly sneaky. Often mischievous, they’ll play practical jokes on the unwary, especially greedy siblings. They’ll promise you treasure at the end of the rainbow (or a clean room), only for them to hide when you realize it was illusory. If left alone, they can spend a good bit of time mucking about in the woods or a bog.

Teenagers: Bigfoot

They’re hairy and sometimes smell funny. They have inexplicably large limbs and are taller than you would have ever imagined. They’re mysterious creatures that are rarely spotted, leaving only half-eaten food behind. When they’re seen in their natural habit, their communication is minimal. They feel terribly alone and as if no one ever understands them. As a result, they are a bit obsessed with finding a mate.

For more silliness, check out Things My Newborn Has Reminded Me Of, None of Which Are Babies. Be sure to follow us on Facebook!