A Parents’ Guide to Monstrous Children

Children can be little monsters – they’re often the cute Muppet kind, but on their worst days, they can wander into old-fashioned horror movie territory. With yesterday being Halloween, it’s time to review exactly what kind of terrible critter your child manifests as.

Newborns – Vampires
Although they lack teeth, newborns are most certainly vampires. At first glance, they are charming, charismatic creatures. The casual observer might never guess the damage they do. They sleep during the day to awake at night. They hypnotize their victims and then leave them dazed and exhausted. They drink of their parents’ life force; if you are breastfeeding, literally of your bodily fluids.They can be absolutely terrifying in the right circumstances.

Toddlers – Godzilla
They may be small, but they are mighty! Like the King of Lizards, toddlers leave utter destruction in their wake. Communicating in grunts and roars, they are frequently misunderstood. If they can’t get their way, there is much smashing and stomping. They’re not necessarily “bad,” just challenging.

Preschoolers – The Creature from the Black Lagoon (Gil-man)
Preschoolers are frequently wet, from mysterious substances that you’re not sure if you want to know what they are or not. They’re curious, although not about what you wish they would be. They sometimes have trouble adjusting to new circumstances and may lash out if they feel threatened. They’re incredibly difficult to capture, easily squirming out of your grasp.

Elementary School Kids – Leprechauns and other fairies
Elementary school kids are short, cute and surprisingly sneaky. Often mischievous, they’ll play practical jokes on the unwary, especially greedy siblings. They’ll promise you treasure at the end of the rainbow (or a clean room), only for them to hide when you realize it was illusory. If left alone, they can spend a good bit of time mucking about in the woods or a bog.

Teenagers – Bigfoot
They’re hairy and sometimes smell funny. They have inexplicably large limbs and are taller than you would have ever imagined. They’re mysterious creatures that are rarely spotted, leaving only half-eaten food behind. When they are seen in their natural habit, their communication is minimal. They feel terribly alone and as if no one ever understands them. As a result, they are a bit obsessed with finding a mate.

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  1. Pingback: This week in the Slacktiverse, Novemeber 2nd 2014 | The Slacktiverse

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