Worried about toxic anger in children and society today? Here are five steps towards supporting the kids around you in ways that will help them learn how to manage emotions in a healthy way. 

Content warning: School and other mass shootings, domestic abuse

“That could have been our school,” I said, blinking, my breath catching in my throat. I think the first time I uttered that phrase was after the Columbine shooting in 1999, where two kids killed 12 students and one teacher. At the time, I was a junior in a large suburban, middle-class high school – one suspiciously like Columbine.

Back then, I didn’t think that I could be repeating that phrase so often as an adult. How I could have said it nine times in 2017 or a horrifying seven times by February of 2018 alone.

Like after every mass shooting, there’s endless discussions about how to prevent another one. Sadly, “thoughts and prayers” won’t cut it. I’m a huge proponent of gun control, especially bans on high-caliber automatic rifles and access to them for domestic abusers and others with violent histories. If you agree with me, I strongly recommend going over to Everytown for Gun Safety’s website and supporting that organization however you can.

But there’s another major factor that doesn’t get talked about enough: toxic masculinity and the anger that goes with it. In the wake of these shootings, people constantly talk about improving our mental health system. But the vast majority of people committing these crimes aren’t suffering from depression, anxiety, schizophrenia or other diseases we associate with mental health.

No, they’re suffering from anger. Uncontrolled, unstoppable anger. Rage.

Beyond mass shootings, there are so many other places you hear this rage. People who hurt their spouses or partners. The men behind Gamergate, who organized an elaborate harassment campaign. The white supremacist marchers in Charlotte. In all of these cases, you see people (usually men) who think they are entitled to something, believe someone is denying it to them, and become violently angry as a result.

How can we stop this terrible anger? Unfortunately, it appears impossible to change this mindset in adults unless they want to change it themselves.

But we can raise children who are capable of experiencing a spectrum of emotions and expressing them appropriately. We need to start with these tactics in our homes and work to move them into schools and society at large. Child psychologist Ross Greene is doing great work in this area on the individual and societal level, but we all have a role to play. We can’t stand by when anger and misplaced fear fuels such incredible violence.

Here are some ways to shift away from toxic anger in children and towards healthy emotional expression:

Respect all feelings

Many boys and men are angry because a specific person or society at large has told them that anger is the only acceptable emotion. Often, men who cry are seen as weak or mocked with sexist or homophobic slurs. Younger boys are punished for getting upset; older boys are told to suck it up. Even if a boy’s family doesn’t hammer this home, often his peers will. Bullies often pick on the kids who seem the most emotionally vulnerable. Boys get angry because it’s the only thing left to do.

Instead, we need to stop shaming everyone, but especially boys for emotions other than anger. I tell my sons, “All emotions are okay.” Even anger can be good as long as you express it appropriately. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk has a great chapter on respecting children’s feelings.

Identify and name feelings

Once you start allowing kids to feel All of the Feelings, it’s time to put names to them. Teaching kids from a young age how to express what they’re feeling is so powerful. It helps them communicate about them, instead of just melting down. (There’s still plenty of melting down – but that’s okay.) I’ve seen a recent shift in my four-year-olds’ behavior go from immediately resorting to yelling to actually saying, “I’m really angry” or “I’m really frustrated.” Afterwards, we make sure to verbally recognize both how hard it is for him to say that and how proud we are of him for taking that path.

Naming your feelings also takes some of the power away from them. Putting a label on being angry, jealous, frustrated or sad can help you feel more in control.

Generation Mindful has some great tools for helping kids slow down, identify their emotions, and move through them. Watching the movie Inside Out and talking about the role of each of the emotions could be a great way to start a conversation with older kids. For a lighter touch for the younger kids, there’s an adorable song on Sesame Street with Dave Matthews and Grover about naming feelings.

Talk about productive ways to deal with difficult feelings

While we do say “All feelings are okay,” we often follow that with “at the same time, we need to express them respectfully.” Non-violence is a huge value in our family. Kicking, hitting, or screaming in someone’s face are never acceptable ways to express your anger.

Instead, we offer alternatives, including hitting a pillow, screaming into a pillow, and stomping your feet. Other ideas include counting to 30 out loud (you run out of breath that might go towards yelling) or deep breathing.

To model this, my husband and I talk about how we deal with emotions, whether that’s frustration or anger. I rarely get angry at individuals, but when I did the other day, my son recognized when I did. I didn’t yell, but I may have been muttering various annoyed noises. From the back, I heard, “Were you angry there?” I answered truthfully that I was a little angry and explained both why and how I was trying to handle it.

Teach empathy

It’s easy to get angry at someone. It’s a lot harder to stay angry at them if you understand where they are coming from. Empathy requires that we sit, listen, and not judge. I will probably recommend this Brene Brown video on the difference between empathy and sympathy until the end of time.

If we can truly think about how someone got where they are and respect that (even if we don’t respect their beliefs), we won’t let anger win. We’ll find a way to use it productively.

Provide non-violent heroes and role models, especially to boys

I am a big superhero fan and think some of them can be legitimately good role models. (Less Tony Stark and more T’Challa).

But superheroes can’t be the main way that boys narrate their lives. Stories are how people make sense of the world.  If the vast majority of the stories that boys read, watch, and otherwise consume feature characters solving problems through violence, that will have an effect over the long run.

To mix it up, include stories about characters solving big problems through cleverness and kindness. For younger folks, I love The Princess and the Pony, which involves a princess who just wants to get in a brawl but finds an alternative path. I’m also a huge fan of Doctor Who, which is all about “the triumph of intellect and romance
over brute force and cynicism,” as Craig Ferguson describes it.

Anger is an inevitable part of life. Violent, uncontrollable anger shouldn’t be. By respecting kids’ feelings and helping them express them productively, we can reduce toxic anger in children and society as a whole.

If you want more information on teaching self-control and emotional intelligence, check out my friend Katherine Reynolds Lewis’s upcoming book, The Good News About Bad Behavior. (She’s the author of the article about Ross Greene I link to above.) If you want a way to kickstart teaching kindness, be sure to check out my Five Day Family Kindness Challenge.