Want to build connection at bedtime? Here are the two bedtime questions we discuss every night with our kids.
“Two minutes left!” I say to my five-year-old as he gets ready for bed. He is not going to be ready in two minutes. We’ll be down to one bedtime book tonight instead of two. But no matter how late he is, there’s one part of his bedtime routine we never skip.
We call it “favorite things,” but it’s a bit more complicated than that. Rather, it’s a nightly conversation framed by two core questions.
The first question is is “What was your favorite thing today?” I, my husband, and my son all answer this one. I even ask my two-year-old before he goes to bed, even though his answer is almost always “eat” or a shrug. At the same age, my older son would say “the park” – even if we didn’t go there that day. Nonetheless, it was good back then to get into the rhythm that we maintain today.
These days, reflecting on our favorite thing gives us an opportunity to look back and find something good that day – even on a crummy or merely mediocre one. It helps us reframe what might have felt like an awful day into a time when at least one thing went right. Reminding ourselves of good times helps cement them in our memory instead of stewing on what went wrong.
The second question is “What were you proud of today?” Most of the time, my son is the only one to answer this question. If the first question focuses on what went right, this focuses on what my son did right. While we originally started by telling him what he did well, asking him first shifts the responsibility to him to consider what “good behavior” means. Sometimes the answers are questionable or not anything I’d pick, but at least it gets him thinking.
These days, my husband and I follow that question up with our opinions about what we thought he did well. As he gets older, I expect it to shift more and more to him. With him starting kindergarten tomorrow, there will be a huge chunk of time that we’re only aware of because what he tells us. In fact, this may become a question for everyone. My husband and I have shared a few times what we’ve been proud of for ourselves that day in the past. It’s challenging in such a good way. Making it about all of us will also help us model for him the types of things we should be proud of as a family.
The last question that I’d like to ask but don’t yet is “What did you learn today?” A lifelong love of learning can drive curiosity, creativity and even compassion for others. One of the things I love best about my job is that I’m constantly learning new things and new fields. The only reason we don’t ask it is because our current conversations take forever and the kid has to go to sleep at some point!
Besides the specific questions, this time spent together is so incredibly valuable. It’s a guaranteed time that each kid has alone with my husband and I. In busy days, it’s a period of quiet connection.
Admittedly, it doesn’t always go perfectly. There are times my son is so overtired that he doesn’t stop singing over everyone. Other times, he’s so off-topic that getting anything from him feels like the conversational equivalent of herding kittens.
But we keep at it for the time together and to remind him that we value his perspectives. Even if he never remembers a single individual night, I know he’ll rest in the knowledge that we are there to listen and love.
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