“The house should be so much cleaner!” I think, panicked about my parents arriving any minute. That streak of panic occurs despite the fact that they know perfectly well that they’ve been the only people in our house since last March and that we’re not exactly the tidiest people by a long shot. Expectations are already low.

And yet I think this anyway. The self-judgment weighs hard, even when I push back against it. The hardest part is that I think this way about everything: cleaning, cooking, parenting, activism, writing, even taking care of myself. Perhaps worst of all, I suspect I’m not the only one.

I’m in a lot of parenting groups, with people of various backgrounds and experiences. But there’s one common thread – it is really exhausting being a parent these days. Especially a mom, when women still carry much of the household burdens in two-person heterosexual marriages. And that’s multiplied exponentially for parents who are facing societal prejudices and burdens like racism or homophobia.

One of the main factors that’s making this so much harder is the combination of high expectations inherited from previous generations – especially Baby Boomers – with high ambitions from our perspective, whether younger Gen Xers or older Millennials. Previously, the message (especially among white, middle class families) was “If you do everything ‘right,’ you’ll at least be comfortable.”

But the idea of both what is “right” and that vision has shifted radically. While perhaps the standards of having a clean house have declined since the 1950s, the standards of literally everything else have changed in ways that require far more time and energy from parents.

Thirty plus years ago, parents were able to kick their kids out of the house – even young kids! – for hours at a time or let them come home to an empty house. These days, it’s dangerous in most neighborhoods to allow kids to roam around by themselves, especially for Black families. Not necessarily because of crime or even traffic (although both can be issues depending on where you live) but because it can be considered neglect. You can have neighbors call Child Protective Services on you and permanently be put in the system.

Even when you’re in the same place as your kids, parenting philosophies themselves have changed. Generally, that’s for the best! I’m a big proponent of positive parenting and helping kids work through their emotions to build their emotional skills. I think it will lead to kids who are more empathetic, more resilient, and more able to deal with difficult issues as adults. But there’s no question – this method takes way more energy and time than authoritarian parenting, especially when the kids are little. It leaves you more drained at the end of the day. The statistic that moms that work outside of the house spend more time with their kids now (pre-COVID) than stay-at-home moms did in the 1950s says so much.

Those are the standards. There are also the ambitions – for good and bad.

On one hand, there’s an increased sense of scarcity, especially among middle-class white parents. That if our kids don’t get “the best,” they won’t get anything at all. That insecurity translates to an obsession with kids’ academic performance. It ends up reinforcing systemic injustices (rich parents sending kids to the “best” schools hoards resources that everyone should have access to) while often not even being good for the kids themselves! While people have expressed a lot of concern about mental health issues in teens due to COVID isolation, upper middle class white kids have had record levels of depression and anxiety for years. This need for performance for both ourselves and our kids is actively harmful. It’s a product of a society obsessed with productivity.

On the other hand (and sometimes in the same people), there’s a real, genuine feeling that we need to change the world. The world is falling apart with new variations on the same horrors every day: racism, COVID-19, climate change, health care failures, child hunger. We want to participate in activism and teach our kids how to do so too. Those who have a lot of privilege want to fix ourselves so that we don’t reinforce inequitable power structures in our personal relationships. Those who have a lot less privilege need to have the time, energy, and money to heal from a society that is consistently traumatizing.

And trying to do all of it – even with the best intentions – is making us miserable. As I say in my book, “I wanted to be everything to everyone all the time: a super mom, green goddess, and eco-warrior. … Instead of being a world-changer, I was becoming an eco-grump.”

Unfortunately, there are no easy answers. It’s not a matter of getting more “self-care.” Most people simply can’t. It’s not a matter of dropping this or that. Many people can’t afford to work fewer hours. At the same time, they often do want to spend the same amount of time with their children. And of course, someone has to do the dishes. Plus, the world really does need activists and volunteers. (Although we also need more paid positions for these jobs – if you can, donate to your favorite grassroots, community organizations!)

What we need is systemic change.

We need changes in policy. We need health care systems that provide reliable care. We need good, free or discounted childcare that pays its workers well. We need financial support for all families, especially those the most affected by COVID and systemic racism. We need to fund mental health and community resources rather than police officers in schools that feed the school-to-prison pipeline. We need to ensure people have stable housing.

We also need changes in our neighborhoods and household systems. We need local communities that support kids being more independent without criminalizing them. We need families where all adults contribute, especially two-person heterosexual households where it’s most lacking. We need landlords that don’t raise rent in the middle of a pandemic when unemployment is high. We need families to stop competing against each other in hopes of their kids getting into the “best” college regardless of whether that’s the right college for their kid or not.

But systemic change takes time.

Until then, what do we do? We could muddle along as we have, hoping someone else will change things. We could push for change with everything we have and burn out even more. Neither of those are sustainable.

Or while we push for change, we support each other as best as we can, taking on more when we’re able and resting when we need to. My husband and I joke that one thing that’s kept us sane during COVID is that we switch off who is breaking down when. We need to figure out how to do that in community as parents. Share our resources with those who need them more, in solidarity, not pity. Provide genuine emotional support for those who don’t have it – and accept it if you need it. We need to figure out how to come together and find that way to push and support and move forward in a way that will help all of us.