“What age is she?” I asked the dad standing with a double stroller next to me in the elevator. The top seat had an older toddler in it; the bottom one was empty, but from the conversation between them, it sounded like there was a baby with the mom.

“Three,” he sighed, obviously exhausted.

“Oh, that’s a tough age,” I responded, trying to sound as sympathetic as possible. Three was by far the hardest for us, especially when our older kid was that age and our younger kid was an infant. “It gets easier – and more fun.”

A look of relief washed across his face. “That’s good to hear,” he said.

I smiled and added, “I have a seven and ten year old, so I get it.”

The elevator beeped and we both got off. His partner was down the hall, holding a baby. He started walking towards her as the three year old started whining. I shook my head, smiled, and walked back to the hotel breakfast table where my husband and kids were.

When I’m out in public without my kids and see parents with small children, I wish there was some secret signal to say, “I see you. I have kids and it *is* hard.” It’s obvious when you have children in tow – there’s that look of solidarity between struggling parents. But by myself, it feels like there’s a gap. A blank space, a missing piece. Not in the fact that I miss my kids so much as I am no longer labeled as “a mom.” I don’t mind randos not knowing I’m a mom, but I want to show that support to the parents. There are so many people in the world who are judgemental about kids in public places and so much shame out there around parenting. I want to balance that out when I have the capacity to.

So when I can, I try to outwardly show empathy to parents with a cranky kids. I may say, “I get it – that’s so tough.” Or “That’s rough – hope it goes better soon.” It’s a fine line – I don’t want the parent to feel like people are paying too much attention; but I also want them to feel less alone. There’s probably times I’ve gone too far one way or another.

Still, I can’t imagine it’s a bad thing to make those little gestures. Anything we can do to support each other and show grace in a world of snap judgments spreads a little bit more kindness in the world. I’m a big fan of shifting systems to enable moral action. But sometimes, a little bit of personal empathy towards fellow parents goes a long way.