With a small voice from the backseat saying “I’m hungry!” I got a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I had forgotten snacks – once again. “Sorry honey, you’re going to have to wait until we get home,” I responded to my younger son.
This is far from an uncommon occurrence. When I read memes like “Moms know where everything is!” or “A Mom always has what her kids need,” I feel a similar pit in my stomach, combined with a queasy jealousy. “Well, that will never be me,” I think to myself. When my kids were babies, we had a diaper bag designed for dads to carry. They had a checklist on the inside pouch and the last item was “the baby.” I know that was supposed to be a joke at dads’ expense, but some days, it felt appropriate to me. My husband isn’t much better either. Both of us are neurodivergent in ways that come with executive function challenges like forgetting details, getting distracted, or misplacing items.
But along our executive dysfunction-riddled journey in parenthood, I’ve come to realize there are some advantages to our kids for having parents like us.
You learn early that your parents aren’t perfect
I’ve heard stories of kids not realizing their parents weren’t perfect or didn’t know everything until there were 8 or 9. That was never going to be our kids. We simply don’t have our shit together enough to meet their every need immediately, much less anticipate those needs before they occur. (See the snacks issue.) In addition, because I am pretty much incapable of lying, I tell them the truth.
While kids need to trust their parents to take care of them, I think it’s healthy for kids to realize early on that they aren’t perfect. It means that they can have somewhat more reasonable expectations – even though my kids still expect more of me than I’m capable of – instead of idolizing a false image.
Beauty can even emerge from these imperfections. My kids have decided that one of their most beloved Christmas traditions is how we leave one Christmas decoration out for the whole year. Was this a thing we planned? Absolutely not. Was it because we always miss one decoration because we are not the most thorough when we clean? Oh yes. But it is who we are and our kids love that.
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You learn to deal with not having something important and making do anyway
When I was a kid, I managed to leave a giant book as tall as me on the bus. It hasn’t gotten a lot better since then. The Metro’s Lost and Found has swallowed up multiple lunchboxes of mine. We leave semi-important stuff at home a lot. So we figure out how to obtain it where we’re going or survive without it. Sometimes it involves some discomfort – I almost never bring water bottles places unless it’s a sporting event or we’re outside for multiple hours – but as old-school parents used to say, “It builds character.” It also builds problem solving skills to figure out a replacement or alternative. Not having everything just handed to them and available prepares our kids for the time in the future when they won’t have everything handed to them and automatically available!
You see first-hand that no one is truly independent – we all need each other
I joke that between my husband and I we might have one person’s worth of executive function. But being able to rely on each other is fundamental to how our family functions. There are certain things I’m good at but he’s terrible at, like managing the calendar. There are other times I struggle and he provides me support – like when I’m falling over tired and he does of the dishes while I go to bed. We each hold different knowledge in our head and can turn to the other for assistance. I struggle to remember names, so he provides gentle reminders. We work so much better together as a team than either of us could on our own. We try to model interdependence out of both our values and practical need.
You know that love and respect doesn’t always look like the way society frames it
The “perfect” mom is framed as those stereotypes listed above – perfectly organized, perfectly capable, perfectly prepared. I am, uh, none of those things. But my kids know that I’ll listen for incredibly long periods of time about their strongly held opinions on video games and be well-informed enough to ask good questions. They know that I’ll support them when they struggle with school work with as much patience and compassion I can muster. They know that I’ll sit down for a board or card game with them (as long as we have time before dinner). They know that I’ll take their opinions and perspectives into account when making family decisions. It’s a different expression of love, but it’s still deep and unabiding.
They get more freedom and free time
Our household is not capable of planning for and managing a ton of extracurricular activities. No matter how many calendars and to-do lists we have, my husband and I cannot keep track of each kid having a different activity each day. We need somewhat of a consistent schedule to get essential things done, like ensure everyone eats and sleeps. If there were multiple activities our kids wanted to do, we’d figure it out, but we’re certainly not pushing them to load up their calendars just for the sake of it.
In addition, everyone in our family needs more downtime than neurotypical folks do. If we piled our kids up with adult-led activities, they’d be exhausted and overwhelmed. We try hard to ensure they have some space to breathe. Not having as many activities as other families is good for all of us.
We as parents understand their struggles because we’ve faced similar ones ourselves
The types of disabilities that cause executive functioning challenges often run in families. Our kids have similar struggles to my husband and I. My husband knows what it’s like to struggle to complete homework even though you know the concepts down cold. I know what it’s like to have trouble making a good first impression or not talking over people. We don’t just make sympathetic noises about how we understand – we really do from lived experience. I think knowing that we have similar experiences helps our kids know that you can come through successful on the other side.
We’ve thought through how we manage our challenges and help our kids find coping mechanisms and embrace their strengths
Even though we still have challenges, my husband and I have developed a number of coping strategies over the years. I’ve learned that if I want to not lose my stuff, I have to physically attach it to me. My bags are all crossbody. I either put my lunchbox or water bottle in my bag or attach it via a carabiner.
We share these adaptation mechanisms with our kids so they can see how we tackle our issues. Even if these particular approaches don’t work for them – which we acknowledge they may not – it can give them a place to start with creating their own. My older son in particular has come up with some great systems on his own.
As the neurodiversity movement points out, having a diversity of how people’s minds work is a good thing. Even if it definitely makes our job as parents more challenging, there are some upsides for all of us.
Do you feel like you’re constantly overwhelmed and burnt-out, whether you have an executive function disorder or not? Do you wish you could do more good in the world but don’t have the energy or time? Raising Luminaries has an amazing series of workshops called the Winter Incubator starting in January. I participated in it last year and found it incredibly helpful for sorting out what is truly important to me and my family and how to integrate it.