TW: Racism
Reading the text from my husband, Chris, I frowned. “We left the park because [our older son] said something very racist to the girls there.” Furrowing my eyebrows, I typed back, “What did he say??” “That black people look like poop.”
My first thought was, “What the hell was he thinking?” My second was, “How the hell did this happen?”
Worried about toxic anger in children and society today? Here are five steps towards supporting the kids around you in ways that will help them learn how to manage emotions in a healthy way.
Content warning: School and other mass shootings, domestic abuse
“That could have been our school,” I said, blinking, my breath catching in my throat. I think the first time I uttered that phrase was after the Columbine shooting in 1999, where two kids killed 12 students and one teacher. At the time, I was a junior in a large suburban, middle-class high school – one suspiciously like Columbine.
Back then, I didn’t think that I could be repeating that phrase so often as an adult. How I could have said it nine times in 2017 or a horrifying seven times by February of 2018 alone.
Like after every mass shooting, there’s endless discussions about how to prevent another one. Sadly, “thoughts and prayers” won’t cut it. I’m a huge proponent of gun control, especially bans on high-caliber automatic rifles and access to them for domestic abusers and others with violent histories. If you agree with me, I strongly recommend going over to Everytown for Gun Safety’s website and supporting that organization however you can.
But there’s another major factor that doesn’t get talked about enough: toxic masculinity and the anger that goes with it. In the wake of these shootings, people constantly talk about improving our mental health system. But the vast majority of people committing these crimes aren’t suffering from depression, anxiety, schizophrenia or other diseases we associate with mental health.
No, they’re suffering from anger. Uncontrolled, unstoppable anger. Rage.
Ever wish you could slow down life a little bit? Here are five ways my family has been able to!
With only a half-hour left of our three-hour car ride, my almost two-year-old’s eyes flutter open. “Uh, oh,” I think. Then the screaming starts. (Him, not me.) All he wants is to be home right this second! Why can’t we grant him that simple request?
While his crying grates on our ears, are we adults all that different? After all, most of us want things immediately, whether that’s our coffee at Starbucks, our computer to boot up, or our husband to stop playing video games. I’m a can-do, let’s get going, do this thing kind of gal. I want to do All the Things Right This Second.
Yet, much like our never-ending car ride, life never quite cooperates. As my pastor pointed out recently, even light, the fastest thing in the universe, isn’t instantaneous. There are stars born millions of years ago whose light hasn’t reached us here on Earth.
Very few of us actually want to rush around. We’d rather slow down life, luxuriate in simple tasks well done, and appreciate being in the moment (as long as the moment doesn’t involve whining). I know I enjoy moments with my kids and husband a hell of a lot more when I’m not impatiently thinking about the future.
On top of that, we want to teach our children patience and gratitude. No one wants to raise entitled brats who are never satisfied with what they have.
But giving up that need for instant gratification is a lot easier said than done. While I’m a work in progress, here are some ways I’ve found that I and my family can deliberately slow down life together.
“Do you want to go see Santa?” I asked my kids, standing outside the mall Christmas display. My one-and-a-half year old shook his head vigorously, while my four-year-old (nicknamed Sprout) just said, “No” in the same tone he gives me at bedtime. But that doesn’t mean they dislike Santa – just the mall version. And that’s just fine with me. Instead of forcing my kids to sit on some dude’s lap, we’re finding deeper ways to maintain Santa’s beauty and magic.
In our household, Santa is a complicated person.
This singing Christmas tree is the bane of our holiday existence. But good things – even deep insights – can come from the most annoying of situations.
While some people can’t stand non-stop carols or mall parking lots during the holiday season, this tree bugs us the entire month of December. My mother-in-law bought it for my older son (nicknamed Sprout) a few years ago. Since then, he has played it as many times as we would possibly let him. First thing in the morning. Last thing before bedtime. Random times during the day until my husband finally gets sick of it and puts it away. While the song is cute the first time, it’s grating the 60th time. But I just don’t have the heart to get rid of it.
What are your favorite stories from childhood? While I have many beloved fictional stories, I also hold the family stories my parents hold me close to my heart. Now, we share those stories and others with our kids as part of a long tradition.
I wrote about the power of sharing stories over at A Fine Parent with the article “How to Use the Power of Stories to Connect and Teach.”
Gathered around a fire, a mother and child talk in quiet voices.
The flames leap as the mother tells the child stories of ancestors, far-away lands, and fantastic situations. Drowsy, the child falls asleep, her head on her mother’s lap.
This could be a scene from 10,000 years ago or 10 days ago.
Storytelling is a core part of what makes us human.
“They’re not dressing up as Native Americans, are they?” I said, wrinkling my nose. After reading about how cultures aren’t costumes around Halloween and how the whitewashed version of the Thanksgiving story is painfully inaccurate, I hope that my son’s preschool isn’t re-enacting the famous version of the Thanksgiving narrative. Regardless of their curriculum, I know we won’t be repeating it in our household. So we have to come up with an alternative.
Do you want to do what you can to help the environment but can’t find the time? Here are eight ways you can do both!
“I don’t have enough time!” I lament to my husband, as I stay up too late washing the dishes yet again. I’m certainly not alone in this cry, as anyone who raises small children knows. The days may be long, but it still feels as if there are never enough hours. But despite all that, our family still lives in as environmentally-friendly a manner as we can. As many “green” activities take more time than conventional ones – I’m looking at you, dish rags that we need to wash – how do we find the time to help the environment?
Some of it is reorganizing our priorities. But in many cases, I’ve found some shortcuts to save time and still help the environment.
Want to give effectively to a food drive to a local food bank?
You rarely have the opportunity to decide how to spend your co-workers’ hard-earned money. But as the one responsible for running our yearly food drive, I wanted both them and the food bank to get the best bang for their buck. Just randomly picking out whatever I felt like at the grocery store wasn’t going to cut it. But how could I donate in the most effective way possible?
I’m not the only one who struggles with this question. Thanksgiving and Christmas are the “food drive holidays,” where everyone from churches to Boy Scouts troops are collecting cans to donate to food banks. Unfortunately, the donations to these drives aren’t as helpful as they could be because people just aren’t aware of the most effective ways to give.
Between my experiences running the food drives and reading up on the subject, I’ve found some really handy rules to guide your food drive giving.
“Why did he think he was better than everyone else?” my four year old asked as we were reading the picture book Little Blue Truck. In the story, a huge construction truck comes barreling through a farm, proclaiming, “I’ve got important things to do!” As a consequence of his pride, he slides into a mud puddle and his huge tires get stuck. In the world of trucks, he’s a bit of an entitled brat.
Answering my son’s question was tough. Why do some people think they’re better than others? Why do some people think they deserve more or better than other people do? As challenging it is to answer these, they’re essential questions to figure out if we’re going to raise kids who respect and value other people. In other words, to prevent raising entitled kids.