The Power of Connection through Ritual

A stained glass window with planets in dark purple and blue

Snipping out little rectangles of paper past midnight on the last night of November, I wondered if my mom had done this too. She was probably more organized, but I also knew she had her moments of last-minute adjustment.

I was making the clues for each day of my children’s Advent Calendar. The calendar itself is cloth and hand-sewn by my mom. Pulling each one of the paper slips and doing the activity on it is one of the rituals in our house that mark special occasions. Growing up, I never thought that I participated in any rituals. But looking back, I realize that there were many we honored and that I’m glad to continue as a parent.

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Passing on the Torch of Live Music

Concert at a baseball stadium, taken from high in the stands. Green Day are on stage, with singer Billy Joe's face projected on giant screens on either side. The area in front of the stage is packed.

From the packed field below to the people in the tippy-top nose-bleed seats (like us), the crowd buzzed with energy. Most sung loudly along with the lyrics from the band: “I wanna be the minority / I don’t need your authority / Down with the moral majority / ‘Cause I wanna be the minority!”

When I glanced over at my kids, they didn’t know the lyrics, but were definitely engaged. My older kid had his “I’m not smiling because I’m so intensely paying attention to what’s going on” look on his face and my younger son was bouncing on his seat and clapping. They don’t know Green Day songs well, but between Weird Al parodies of them (my older kid went through a big Weird Al phase) and hearing them on the “classic alternative” iTunes station, they recognized a good number of the songs.

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Cutting Kids Slack When They Whine About Summer

My older son (a white boy in shorts and a t-shirt) bounding up the stone stairs of a hiking trail in Great Smoky Mountain National Park while my younger son (a white boy in a black sweatshirt) looks on at the bottom of the stairs.

Driving home on the second hour of a seven hour drive with the windows down because our air conditioner broke, I wondered how my kids would remember this experience. Would they remember it in the same way I remembered getting stuck in stop and go traffic without air conditioning outside of Washington D.C. when I was 10? (Sorry Mom and Dad – that was *awful.*) Or will they look back on it fondly as “well, we got through that”? After all, people took plenty of road trips before air conditioning was introduced in cars and survived. I’ve read many people say their family road trips were some of their favorite parts of childhood.

In a way, this conundrum extends to all of summer. So often, adults’ memories of childhood summers are full of nostalgia – memories of ice cream, the pool and playing outside until the sun goes down. My older son loves Calvin and Hobbes, with the pages of his four volume collection well-worn and the spines chomped on by our pet rabbit. The comics about summer reflect this perspective. Calvin romps around in the forest all day with Hobbes and turns cardboard boxes into fantastical devices at home. Summer is endless, innocent and free. It’s the epitome of a “simpler time.”

But like all nostalgia, it’s not accurate.

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Counting the years through cakes

11 years old – 11 years of fabulous cakes.

I’m generally in charge of choosing and buying my kids’ birthday presents, but my husband does one very special thing for them every year – make a phenomenal cake.  He did go to culinary school, but only spent about a day or so on pastry. It’s mainly self-taught. And it’s such a clear illustration of his love for our kids and how that relationship has evolved over the years. My older son’s 11th birthday brought about the latest of my husband’s creations.

A square cake with grass frosting and a multi-colored orb and 3 little alien looking creatures lined up next to it. There are more “planted” inside the cake below them
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Cycles of parenting and life

My younger son (a white boy in a sweatshirt with multicolored dinosuars, black jeans, and blue hiking boots) stepping between rocks next to a stream

“The seasons go round and round / the painted ponies go up and down / on the carousel of time….” I crooned softly to myself, looking out my back porch. Joni Mitchell’s song The Circle Game echoed in my head, one of the few guaranteed to make me choke up. For those not familiar, it’s about a child growing up, with each verse describing a different stage of childhood. 

In the past, I heard it and was sad about the child growing up. How terrible to have to leave each of those ages behind, especially as that child’s parent?

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Exploring Our Inner Supervillain

Me as Poison Ivy (a woman with green skin) from Harley Quinn posing with Nnedi Okorafor (a Black woman in a black sweater) at her signing with a large AwesomeCon backdrop

Looking in the mirror, I saw someone looking back at me who was both terribly familiar and foreign. For one, she had green skin in comparison to my normal pale visage. I noticed a spot that was a bit light and dabbed on a bit more green makeup. There – finished. Save the red hair and the cartoon skinniness, I was the image of Poison Ivy from the Harley Quinn animated show.

On the lawful to chaotic and good to bad morality scale, I am solidly in the lawful good zone. I was obsessive about rules as a kid to the point I would correct other kids regularly. (That made me very popular.) While I’ve shed much of that slavish devotion, I hate breaking rules for no good reason and hold myself to high moral standards.

So why was I cosplaying a chaotic supervillain at a comic book convention?

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Using “Yes and…” as a Parenting Tool

My husband and two kids (all white men) hiking on a path of large rocks with trees on both sides

It’s really easy to say “no” as a parent. No, you can’t have candy at bedtime. No, you can’t play video games for another 20 minutes. No, you need to stop kicking your brother. Not saying “no” can end up with having no boundaries and no limits on your kids. Not good.  

But as a parent, I’ve also discovered the power of saying “Yes, and…” 

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Building Character Whether We Want to or Not

Photo of a tiny orange newt on the bark of a fallen log with moss

“I swear, this hike felt a lot easier when I was 15,” I said to my kids, huffing as we hauled up what seemed like the endlessly steep mountain.

I had promised an “easy, fun, not that long” hike. I was right that it wasn’t that long. What I had forgotten was that it was nearly straight up, complete with patches of steep, smooth rock. It had rained the night before, making everything slippery as hell.

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Opportunity, Risk, and Bad Ideas

My younger son (a white boy in a black sweatshirt) standing on a playground merry-go-round as it is spinning, with a row of pine trees behind him

Sometimes your kids take a cautionary tale as an questionable opportunity.

When I was about eight – old enough for my front teeth to be permanent – my mom sent me off to the park for the first time without her. I was with our next door neighbor, who was a few years older than me. He was supposed to be the responsible one.

I was quite fond of hanging upside down from various items of playground equipment, including things that probably shouldn’t have been hung upside down from. Including the bars on the infamous merry-go-round.

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