Side-by-side, my kids working together – I paused for a moment and gazed in wonder.

That afternoon, we had been preparing the garden for winter. Each fall, after we’ve pulled out all of our plants, we pile up compost, straw, and leaves to build the soil, mimicking what happens in the forest. This year, we had an addition to the process. When we ordered our seeds in the spring, my younger son spotted a plant in the catalog named for his favorite animal – elephant garlic. As we were also ordering carrots because they’re associated with my older son’s favorite animal (rabbits), we just had to get it.

So while I shoveled compost, I gave my kids the task of planting the garlic. My older son was (justifiably) complaining about the smell of the compost and loves picking things apart, so peeling the garlic was a perfect task for him. Once that was done, they needed to work together to plant it. I pointed out that it might be best for my older son to measure out where to put the cloves – elephant garlic needs a ton of space – as he has experience from math class at measuring things. Then my younger son could dig the holes, drop in the cloves, and cover them up.

While I gave these instructions with confidence in my voice, inside I was much less certain. My kids love each other very much but often that love comes out as yelling, kicking, and punching each other. I wasn’t sure how well my younger son would take directions from his brother or how much patience my older son would have if his brother didn’t do things exactly as he thought they should be done.

But there they were, working together, my older son with a ruler, my younger son with a spade.

So often, it’s hard to see how or if the lessons we’re teaching as parents are sinking in, especially if our kids struggle with executive function or emotional regulation. What if the lessons never sink in? What if they have the values but can’t carry them out in life? When you see logical and natural consequences working the first time on other people’s kids and it takes three or four or five on your kids, it can be discouraging. You wonder, is this ever going to work?!

But then there are times like the ones I watched in the garden. Where it’s all clicking, where the kids are living out the values and using the skills you taught them because now they have the capacity to. Where certain accommodations and shifts have aligned to make it possible to do certain things that they’ve so longed to do.

That doesn’t mean every time is like that. Hahahaha, no. There are days my kids are so loud and overwhelming, I briskly walk out of the room to keep myself from screaming. There are times I do scream.

But in those difficult times, I can remember these good ones. These good ones hold out the promise that what we’re teaching is sinking in, is making a difference. They show what is possible if we all collaborate as a family. And that is beautiful.