The Activity:

Kindness really shines through in the most difficult of situations. All too often, we freeze up or turn away when we’re most needed.

Thankfully, we can help our kids prepare for those situations by talking about them or role-playing before they ever happen. Discussing these situations also helps kids build emotional intelligence and practice empathy for others.

For younger kids, you can talk through a scenario where someone acts unfair or unkind. Some scenarios could include seeing one kid push another, grabbing a toy from another kid, or calling someone a name. Small children have a very strong sense of fairness, starting even before they’re a year old and peaking in third grade. While little kids frequently do things to us that seem unfair, they only do that because they lack the big picture thinking to realize it (it seems fair to them!) or they lack the self-control to stop themselves (haven’t we all had those days?). If you ask them to imagine it happening to them and what they would want someone to do, they can gain that perspective more easily than we realize.

For older kids, you can tackle pricklier situations. These can include:

• What do you do if you hear a friend using a racial slur or making a racist joke?
• What do you do if you see someone inappropriately touch someone else against their will?
• What would you do if one of your friends is being bullied?

Be sure to listen more than you talk. Also, feel free to admit that you don’t know all of the answers! Even the conversations with little kids can be challenging.

Our Experience:

For us, the opportunity to have this conversation came up in a rather unfortunate way. As a matter of fact, the ethical dilemma wasn’t hypothetical at all – it was discussing my son’s behavior from earlier in the day.

My four-year-old either keeps a huge distance from people or has zero concept of personal space. We’re really trying to teach him how to respect people’s personal space as a simple act of courtesy.

A few weeks ago, he didn’t remember those lessons at all. While he was waiting in line at a trampoline playspace, there was a kid ahead of him with a yarmulke. For some reason, he decided it was appropriate to touch the kid’s head and then get in his face. The kid was very understandably peeved. I pulled my son aside and reprimanded him, “We Do NOT touch people’s heads. We need to give them space.”

Then, later in the day, I realized I had missed a major part of the puzzle. Of course, we don’t touch people’s heads. But just like if he had touched a black kid’s head, there was much more to that interaction than just a personal space issue. Even if my son didn’t mean to be prejudiced – which I’m sure he didn’t – the kid may have not seen it that way.

So in his brother’s room, with my son in the big chair in the corner and me leaning against the changing table, we discussed what happened. I explained, “Sometimes, people who are different from you may think you’re making fun of them.” He replied, “But I wasn’t.” I continued: “I know you weren’t. But that kid had no way of knowing that. So when people are different from you, you have to be extra careful to treat them with respect. Because a lot of people don’t just because they’re different.”

Talking to my son about something he clearly did wrong was hard. Really hard. Even though he wasn’t trying to be anti-Semetic, even seeing something that felt that way hit me hard in my mama heart. But I just couldn’t let it pass by. It was far too important of a conversation to skip.

The Activity:

You can extend kindness beyond just humans! With stuffed animals and animal characters in children’s books, kids are inherently inclined to be empathic towards the natural world.

Before today’s activity, talk to your kids about their impact on the environment and animals. If they’re younger, you can start with visible impacts like how animals can eat litter and get sick. For older kids, talking about wider environmental issues like climate change or water pollution will probably be more engaging.

Then, do an activity that shows kindness to animals. One of our favorites is making homemade feeders for the birds.

Materials:
Pinecones
Peanut butter
Birdseed
String

Tie a string around the pine cone in a loop, so you can hang the pinecone from a tree branch or fence post. You will probably need to tuck it under the scales. Use a knife to coat the pinecone in peanut butter. Use enough so that the birdseed will thoroughly stick to it. Roll the pinecone in birdseed. Hang the pinecone in a tree or a bush where birds are likely to see it. Wait for the birds to show up! It may take a few days, but it will be gone quickly once they do.

Alternative activities include picking up garbage on a nature walk or setting up composting in your yard.

Our Experience: 

My older son had done this activity before, so this time my husband decided to get creative. (Of course.)

They decided to make “Christmas cookies” for the birds. Instead of using pinecones as a base, they combined peanut butter, Crisco, and bird seed. They then pressed the mixture into cookie cutters to make adorable, Pinteresty shapes. Because the “cookies” were pretty mushy, my husband placed them in the refrigerator to cool. Even after solidifying overnight, they were still too soft to hang without falling apart. Instead of putting them on strings, they placed them around the yard. The birds – or maybe the squirrels – didn’t seem to mind.

To quote my husband, my four-year-old “had a blast” with this activity. Even though the logistics weren’t exactly right, he enjoyed the thought of Christmas cookies for the birds. The idea of giving them a gift for the holidays was a great way to have him think beyond what he was getting on Christmas morning!

The Activity: 

Just like peace isn’t an absence of war, true kindness isn’t just “being nice” to people. It’s also about showing all people respect, making freedom from hate a reality, and providing access to opportunity. While individual actions are great, breaking down systems of inequality and injustice are essential.

A big piece of learning to be kind is understanding your own privilege. Although this can feel like a tough topic to parents, kids understand it better than we give them credit for. It’s tempting to think “just let kids be kids,” but parents of kids who aren’t privileged – like LGBT parents, parents of black kids, poor, and/or non-Christian kids – don’t get that luxury.

The first step is simply stating that some people have advantages over others in society. The classic text for understanding privilege is White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack, but I find it a little difficult to wrap my own head around that article.

Instead, I rather like “The Dollar Bill Hanging from the Ceiling” exercise that Bailey Koch describes on the website Her View from Home. In it, she hangs two dollar bills from the ceiling and then invites two kids – one much taller than the other – up to grab them. The kid who grabs theirs first gets to keep both dollars. Of course, the tall kid grabs it first and receives both bills. Right away, kids realize that even though both kids have access to the same thing, they have different opportunities. She then goes back and gives the shorter kid a chair to stand on, making it so both students have the same opportunity. While she uses the dollar bill exercise to illustrate how students start with certain academic advantages or not, I think it’s a great physical illustration of privilege out of the classroom as well.

If you relate to video games, John Scalzi’s Lowest Difficulty Setting is a great metaphor. The article makes it clear that having privilege of any kind doesn’t mean things will always be easy. In fact, you’ll almost certainly encounter things that are hard. But if you’re privileged, those things won’t be as hard to handle as someone in a less privileged position.

Obviously, the conversation here is going to vary widely depending on the age of your child. For our four-year-old, it’s a simple as telling him that people have different lives than we do. Some people have less money, some people have difficulty walking, some people don’t celebrate Christmas, some people have different color skin than we do. We’ve also edged a bit into the fact that people treat others worse because of these differences. If nothing else, his constant questioning “Why?” has forced our hand in the best way possible. The more we as adults think “Why?” about systems we take for granted, the more we can break them down and build something better in their place.

The next step to understanding privilege is seeing how someone can be privileged in one area and not in another. Similarly, someone can be non-privileged in several ways that interact with each other. For example, a black woman is treated differently (and often worse) by society than either a black man or a white woman is. This is called intersectionality. This comic does a great job breaking down intersectionality and what it means for people.

What types of privilege you discuss obviously depends on your own circumstance. For us, economic privilege is the easiest to start with because it’s easy to see how some people have less money and the material impact that has on their lives. With race, we’re talking about the history of the Civil Rights movement and starting to provide some modern-day context about the work that still needs to be done.

The resources you can turn to depends on the sort of privilege. There are a ton of great resources for talking to kids about race: Raising Race Conscious Children, Embrace Race, and Raising an Advocate. Some of the other topics don’t seem to have as many good resources available, unfortunately.

This is a tough thing to tackle, so good luck!

Our Experience:

I admit that I completely forgot about this until we were smack in the middle of bedtime. Nonetheless, I took a break from reading books for a heart-to-heart conversation. Or as it turned out to be, a heart-to-foot conversation.

I started off with the economic privilege part. “You know that we’re really lucky to never have to worry about food to eat. Some people have to worry about that. And we’re really lucky to have a house. Not everyone has that.”

“Uh huh.”

“And clean water.”

“What’d you say?” he responded.

“Remember when we talked about not everyone has toilets? Some people have water that makes them sick when they drink it.”

Silence.

“And you know what? Some people treat other people differently because they have less stuff. Or because of the color of their skin. Or because they don’t believe in Jesus. Is that fair?”

“No, it’s not.”

“And it’s not always even on purpose. Sometimes they don’t even realize they’re doing it.”

Just then, I noticed he was licking his finger, rubbing his foot and then sticking his finger back in his mouth. “I’m making my foot all wet,” he informed me.

I decided to ignore that. Interest was clearly fading so I wrapped it up. “So we need to be kind to everyone. And if you hear someone say that they’ve been treated differently than you, you need to listen and just be a good friend.”

Listening well is the number one lesson I’ve learned in all of my activism work. I hope he can learn it faster than I did.

“To be a good friend, yep.”

Then he stuck his foot in my face. That was the end of that deep conversation. Four-year-olds!

The Activity:

The heart of kindness is empathy. As Brene Brown says in this great video, empathy is being with someone, not having pity or trying to give advice. One of the best ways to develop empathy is to see things from another person’s point of view.

While in-person conversations and real relationships are the best way to do this, books can also play an important role. Reading about people who have radically different experiences than me has opened my eyes to so many perspectives.

Fortunately, children’s literature offers a wide variety of experiences if only you look for them. Obviously, which characters will be different from you will depend on your own situation!

But here are a few ideas for great picture books featuring children from a variety of backgrounds and experiences:

• If you live in the suburbs or a rural area: One Hot Summer Day; Last Stop on Market Street; A Pocket for Corduroy
• If you live in the suburbs or city: One Morning in Maine; The Chicken-Chasing Queen of Lamar County
• If you are middle or upper-class: Sally Jean, Bicycle Queen; A Chair for My Mother; Ada’s Violin: The Story of the Recycled Orchestra of Paraguay
• If your family aren’t immigrants or don’t have close relatives who are immigrants: Suki’s Kimono; Mango, Abuela & Me
• If you’re white: Big Hair, Don’t Care; All the Colors We Are
• If your family has both parents: Two Homes; The Big Bag of Worries
• If you have boys: Drum Dream Girl: How One Girl’s Courage Changed Music
• If everyone in your family is able-bodied and neurotypical: Mama Zooms, Black Book of Colors, Benny Doesn’t Like to be Hugged; My Three Best Friends and Me, Zulay
• If everyone in your family is non-LGBT and gender normative: This Day in June; 10,000 Dresses; One of a Kind Like Me; Best Best Colors

Unfortunately, my knowledge of current chapter books is pretty limited right now! A librarian in the children’s section of your local library can be an invaluable resource though.

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“Do you want socks on?” I asked my nineteen-month-old son, raising an eyebrow. His feet were cold, but that was a pretty sophisticated question. He wouldn’t be able to understand it. Right?

He bobbed his head up and down, blond hair flopping. An unmistakable yes.

I moved my own mouth up and down wordlessly a few times. I finally said, “Okay,” and went to get him socks. My baby wasn’t going to be a baby for much longer.

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I used to worry I’d be judged by the contents of my bookshelf. Now as a mom, I know better. Now I know I’ll be judged by the contents of our living room floor.

This state of being was rather inevitable. As a kid, my bedroom floor was littered with books, papers, toys and more books. These days, we have an 18-month-old whose main goal in life is to pull anything on a shelf off of it.

But like all messes, our disorganized living room tell a story about who we are. A story that’s about a lot more than our messiness. In the spirit of cultural anthropology, here’s what we see:

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Lately, my mood has often wobbled between “exasperated” and “vaguely aggravated.” The world’s political situation is definitely affecting it. But on the other hand, I also got some amazing encouragement for my writing, so that rocked. I won’t say it all equals out in the end, but it’s nice when something pushes down on the scales a bit.

For this week, our articles cover why kids should talk to strangers, teaching kindness, truth telling around racism, and the beautiful challenges of parenthood.

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