A few years ago, I thought about what I had to do before Christmas and had a deep, sinking feeling. My own bedtime was already too late, my to-do list too long, and my anxieties far too sharp. I had gone through a personal tragedy earlier in the year and was struggling with a difficult pregnancy.

As much as I hated it, I had to give some things up. Even if it meant I felt like I was failing at Christmas. As it turned out, I didn’t regret a thing.

Here’s what I ended up not doing, what I learned, and what I’ve picked back up (and not) since then:

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The Activity:

Seeing kindness in action is one of the most powerful things a child can witness and participate in. Spending real time, money, and energy in service of someone else helps widen their perspective. Having a parent include them also communicates a powerful message about your values and priorities.

If you have a favorite local charitable organization, look into how you can get your kids involved in volunteering for it. Even if kids aren’t allowed to help in a warehouse or Habitat for Humanity build site, they can frequently raise money. When I was a kid, I set up a little stand on my front yard to sell pom-pom critters and donated the proceeds to environmental groups. Blogger Ilana Whiles at Mommy Shorts is participating in a program where her kids bake and sell cookies to raise money for pediatric cancer programs.

If you’re not familiar with nearby groups, looking into a local or regional homeless lunch program is a good place to start. Many of them do welcome children volunteering, as long as they’re coached ahead of time on expectations and responsibilities. Others may not have a direct role kids can play on-site, but have other activities they can do for their clients. For example, kids may be able to run a food drive. In addition to the normal canned goods, our food bank accepts donations of produce at the farmers’ market.

Other options may be more creative. Our local homeless lunch program likes having colorful, seasonal placemats for their meals, which can be a really fun activity for little ones.

Whatever group you work with, let the needs of the people they serve dictate your actions. In some cases, the most “fun” ways of volunteering aren’t the ones that are most needed. True service has to center the needs of the people being served, nor desires of the people serving.

Even if you aren’t able to volunteer today (short notice!), try to research what volunteer opportunities are possible with kids in your area. Most charitable organizations, especially local ones, have a “Get Involved” section on their website with the best ways to help.

Our Experience:

For Thanksgiving, my husband and four-year-old (nicknamed Sprout) baked an extra apple pie for the homeless lunch program at our church (run by Bethesda Cares, Inc). The church across the street that co-hosts the program with us provided a Thanksgiving dinner for their clients and served the pie with dessert.

Because Sprout can’t yet use a real paring knife, Chris tasked him with taking chunks of apple and slicing them thinner. He approached his task with great gusto! Then, he helped add the other ingredients and mix them together.

Before and during the process, we explained that we were making this pie for people who don’t have homes and wouldn’t have anywhere to go on Thanksgiving otherwise. As I want to cultivate respect and kindness for people rather than pity, we just stated these things very simply. To help him empathize, we added, “That wouldn’t be very fun, would it?” but didn’t try to force any sense of sadness.

To help him see the impact, he did go with Chris to drop off the pie. Chris said he was a little intimated, but I suspect that was because it was a lot of people he didn’t know than anything else.

I hope that we can continue to help him (and as my toddler gets older, him too) get involved in ways that are both rewarding and genuinely helpful.

The Activity:

Kindness really shines through in the most difficult of situations. All too often, we freeze up or turn away when we’re most needed.

Thankfully, we can help our kids prepare for those situations by talking about them or role-playing before they ever happen. Discussing these situations also helps kids build emotional intelligence and practice empathy for others.

For younger kids, you can talk through a scenario where someone acts unfair or unkind. Some scenarios could include seeing one kid push another, grabbing a toy from another kid, or calling someone a name. Small children have a very strong sense of fairness, starting even before they’re a year old and peaking in third grade. While little kids frequently do things to us that seem unfair, they only do that because they lack the big picture thinking to realize it (it seems fair to them!) or they lack the self-control to stop themselves (haven’t we all had those days?). If you ask them to imagine it happening to them and what they would want someone to do, they can gain that perspective more easily than we realize.

For older kids, you can tackle pricklier situations. These can include:

• What do you do if you hear a friend using a racial slur or making a racist joke?
• What do you do if you see someone inappropriately touch someone else against their will?
• What would you do if one of your friends is being bullied?

Be sure to listen more than you talk. Also, feel free to admit that you don’t know all of the answers! Even the conversations with little kids can be challenging.

Our Experience:

For us, the opportunity to have this conversation came up in a rather unfortunate way. As a matter of fact, the ethical dilemma wasn’t hypothetical at all – it was discussing my son’s behavior from earlier in the day.

My four-year-old either keeps a huge distance from people or has zero concept of personal space. We’re really trying to teach him how to respect people’s personal space as a simple act of courtesy.

A few weeks ago, he didn’t remember those lessons at all. While he was waiting in line at a trampoline playspace, there was a kid ahead of him with a yarmulke. For some reason, he decided it was appropriate to touch the kid’s head and then get in his face. The kid was very understandably peeved. I pulled my son aside and reprimanded him, “We Do NOT touch people’s heads. We need to give them space.”

Then, later in the day, I realized I had missed a major part of the puzzle. Of course, we don’t touch people’s heads. But just like if he had touched a black kid’s head, there was much more to that interaction than just a personal space issue. Even if my son didn’t mean to be prejudiced – which I’m sure he didn’t – the kid may have not seen it that way.

So in his brother’s room, with my son in the big chair in the corner and me leaning against the changing table, we discussed what happened. I explained, “Sometimes, people who are different from you may think you’re making fun of them.” He replied, “But I wasn’t.” I continued: “I know you weren’t. But that kid had no way of knowing that. So when people are different from you, you have to be extra careful to treat them with respect. Because a lot of people don’t just because they’re different.”

Talking to my son about something he clearly did wrong was hard. Really hard. Even though he wasn’t trying to be anti-Semetic, even seeing something that felt that way hit me hard in my mama heart. But I just couldn’t let it pass by. It was far too important of a conversation to skip.